Today, Tomorrow

Post #232

One night on New Years Eve, I will be at some fancy, exclusive, invitation-only party, looking glamorous and feeling beautiful, dancing the night away with the best music pumping in the background, without a care in the world, ready for the ball to drop, ready for the midnight kiss.

Homesick

Post #231: Dedicated to: With a Little Help From My Friends; the Beatles

I miss speaking Danish.

2

Post #230: Dedicated to: Paradise; Coldplay

"Butterflies are God's proof that we can have a second life." (from Nikita)

Questionable

Post #229: Dedicated to: Shameless

1. I am a private person.
2. I am an emotional person.
3. But those emotions are bottled up and within a day they dissolve, and I'm back to being a private, locked-up box whose key has been thrown in the Pacific Ocean.
4. Exception: moments when those raw feelings are blurted out on this blog. Exhibit A: my last post.

It feels really good to be home. So good that I really don't miss Denmark very much at all. Some people, maybe. Foosball, yes. But being home trumps being in Denmark at the moment. That is just how I feel.

I see study abroad friends posting on facebook about how much they want to go back, how much America sucks, and I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. If I should be feeling like them. If I didn't get as much out of studying abroad as they did. If the whole last semester was a waste of time and money. If I would have been just fine not going abroad fall semester. If I even enjoyed my time abroad very much at all. If I could have, should have done things differently while I was there. If I should have made more of an effort to get close to people. If I should have made more of an effort to get to know the Danes. If it was worth it.

Shit Just Hit The Fan

Post #228

It really bugs me sometimes about how race is treated in America. I am an immigrant from South Korea. You are not. I am Asian in a white world, and I have to live with that. You do not. Growing up, I've been ashamed of my parents' lack of English-speaking skills on multiple occasions (as much as that fact shames me). You have not. Whenever something reasonably traumatic happens to me, the first thought I think is: is it because I'm Asian? You do not. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see a female – I see an Asian female. You do not. I'm intensely, incredibly aware whenever I'm the only Asian in a group of white people, or when I'm with a large group of Asians surrounded by white people. You are not.

And I'm okay with that.

Apparently, you are not.

It seems to me that oftentimes when race issues come up, you are the first to speak. And you think you're doing right by it, you're achieving justice in the world. You think everyone else should stand up next to you and do the same.

But guess what? At the end of the day, you go home and you continue living in your invisible seat of white privilege.

I do not.

Looking Back

Post #227: Dedicated to: Mistletoe; Justin Bieber

When I'm bored, I like to look back on stuff, whether that be old facebook notes, comments, statuses, old journal entries, old stories I wrote, etc.

And I gotta say...man, was I lame.

Oh who am I kidding? I'm still pretty lame.

But really. The things I used to write, the problems that used to plague me...they just crack me up. I can't wait to see how I feel about myself in the years to come.

To Moving Forward

Post #226

There's only so long a girl can wait before resorting to the realization that: he's just not that into you.

Here's to moving on, and moving forward.

God Bless America

Post #225: Dedicated to: The Heart of Christmas; Matthew West

We did a lot of awesome stuff in jazz choir in high school. Jazz festivals in Colorado, Reno, Fullerton, singing at mass at St. Peter's Basilica and all over Italy, 6 am rehearsals, performing for Rio Norte, standing ovations...Two years in VHS's "Two N Four" vocal jazz group were two of the best years ever.

One morning we were supposed to sing the Star Spangled Banner at WalMart, for its grand opening or something like that. We had a period of 45 minutes to get dressed in our choir dresses/suits, pile into people's cars, head to WalMart, sing, and get back in time for 3rd period.

K-, C-, and I piled into S-'s car. Now, mind you, S- had only just gotten her license, and technically wasn't supposed to be driving anyone under the age of 25. But it was a less than 5 minute drive, so we figured things would be all right.

We were running late. So very, very late. So S- was speeding. A lot. 16 miles above the speed limit, to be specific. By the time I spotted the cop sitting on his motorcycle, it was too late. We were speeding, and we were caught. Needless to say, we did not make it to WalMart to sing our country's great national anthem. We were sitting in S-'s car in a parking lot off the street, waiting for the police officer to finish writing us up.

There are so many more of these memories stored up in my brain. I miss 2 'N' 4 something fierce.

Every Once in a While

Post #224: Dedicated to: If Not Now, When?; Incubus

Every once in a while I hear a song and I listen to it over and over and over again. For the next 48 or so hours, it's my favorite song.

I've just discovered a new one: If Not Now, When? by Incubus, and I've been playing it nonstop.

I've definitely developed a solid liking for Incubus over the years. They're so peculiar, and the melodic harmony and chords so strange but perfect.

I've waited all my life

If not now, when will I?

Stand up and face the bright light

Don't hide your eyes

It's time

Until You Try

Post #223: Dedicated to: Cold December Night; Michael Bublé

I have definitely been neglecting this blog in favor of my study abroad one, and for that I apologize!

I have only 2 weeks and 1 day left in Denmark, and I truly can't believe time has gone by so quickly. I'm beyond excited to go home, yes, but also so so sad to leave. There are so many things I haven't done yet, places I haven't visited, food I haven't eaten, people I haven't hung out with...I'm going to have to cram as much as I can in the next 2 weeks.

Random quote of the day: "You never know what you can do until you try." Don't know who coined it, but when I was in 6th grade the 5th-grade classroom down the hall always yelled this phrase at the top of their lungs each morning. One morning, my teacher Mrs. Bellefeuille (can you believe I still remember how to spell that?? Pronounced Bell-fay, btw) decided to tease the other classroom and we engaged in a full-on yelling battle. From across the hall. They yelled it first, we yelled it louder, and so on and so forth. It was a fun morning, to say the least, and at least the quote became engrained in my head.

I was also reminded of one of the best memories of the summer – *clap clap raise the roof*! This was what we did one week of 826LA ELL camp – whenever a student volunteered to read his/her creative story or what not of the day, we clap, clap, and raised the roof. It was a very creative way to get the kids interested in sharing their stories, and I'd say that they (as well as the staff) had a pretty good time with this clap.

Anyway, enough of the trip down memory lane. It's time to get focused on the load of paper, finals, and fun to come!

Giving Thanks

Post #222: Dedicated to: Scared; Albert Hammond Jr.

It's officially Thanksgiving and I have officially reverted to homesickness. Hopefully it's temporary. But it's official. I miss home, I miss family, and I miss friends. Or maybe I just miss the feeling of family, friends, warmth, and love.

And I miss pumpkin pie.

Please excuse my pity party. Thanksgiving has no meaning in Danish culture and I don't think anything special is happening at our folk high school. (Plus, no pumpkin pie. Is it obvious how much I miss that? Not as much as Chipotle, though...but that's a story for another day.)

You know how sometimes you can be surrounded by lovely people yet still feel alone? Now is one of those times.

It's Thanksgiving, and I miss home.

Ericeira

Post #122: Dedicated to: Sway; The Perishers

I can't even begin to describe last week in Portugal. It was the absolute epitome of relaxation, a break I so desperately needed. It was an amazing time with an amazing group of people.

There were times when I'd be waiting for my turn to catch the waves, waiting for my turn to wipe out immediately, where I'd be getting hit in the face with the salty spray of a wave and feeling rather sorry for myself, when I wondered to myself – what on earth am I doing? Why am I putting myself through this?

But these thoughts would almost immediately be replaced with a new hope. Hate to get all Star Wars-y and optimistic on y'all, but after every rough wave, I'd tell myself that tomorrow's a new day. And no, I never fully rode a wave to the beach, I never fully stood up for more than 2 seconds. But being in the water was amazing. Being in the water when it's raining and the wind is blowing madly and the waves are coming down stronger and faster than ever before – there are no words in any language of the world to describe my joy in that moment and time.

And then later, back at the surf lodge, eating meals that were ten times more delicious after an exhausting day, playing foosball with the best opponents one could ask for, strumming the guitar and making up songs in the corner, wrapping up in blankets and pillows and watching youtube videos and movies. These are the times I'll remember of one of the greatest weeks of my life.

I miss Ericeira, Sintra, and Lisbon. A lot. But going back would never be the same without the group of people I was with. So for now, my great memories will have to do.

Occupy Wall Street

Post #220

I know I most definitely haven't been following what's been going on with Occupy Wall Street back home, but after reading this note, I could not be more proud to be a student of the tri-co.

Humility

Post #219: Dedicated to: The Greatest Man That Ever Lived; Weezer

We are supposed to be humble servants of the Lord, right?

I personally try my hardest. I try my best to watch what I say, to not brag so much about whatever successes I might have. Am I perfect? Heck no! My talents are only my talents because God bestowed them upon me.

So is it wrong to be annoyed at people who seem unable to be humble? I swear, every word out of their mouths point back at them – I did this, I did that, I traveled there, I experienced that, I won this, I got that... Somehow, some people just manage to propel every conversation back towards what they've done and accomplished in their lives.

And even worse, there are those gals. "Oh I'm so exhausted, I wrote that 10 page paper in one night...but at least I got an A!" "Oh yeah, I hated AP Physics...I can't believe I got a 5 on the AP test!"

I mean, hey – nothing against a little (or a lot of) success in your life. I genuinely applaud those successes and am extremely proud of successful friends. But when everything you say revolves around pointing out those successes...well, there goes your lack of modesty.

Whatever happened to being humble?

You and I

Post #218: Dedicated to: You and I; Ingrid Michaelson

Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes

in the south of France

Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters

and teach them how to dance

Let's get rich and build our house on a mountain

making everybody look like ants

From way up there

You and I

You and I

He is Our Example

Post #217: Dedicated to: I Don't Know a Thing; Lucy Schwartz

"We've all been let down by someone. Whether a date stood us up or a friend betrayed our confidence, it hurt. The disappointments we endure can run the gamut from a minor inconvenience to a life-altering event.

But we have to keep one thing in mind—people are human. We are all imperfect and capable of letting someone down, be it our family, our friends, or even God. Thankfully, because God is perfect, He can enable us to love others and forgive them when they disappoint us. How can He do such a thing? Because He loves and forgives us, no matter how many times we let Him down.

God's love and forgiveness are a brilliant reminder of how we can love others, even when they disappoint us.

He is our example. He will give us strength to do what we cannot do on our own."

I know what he did was so much worse, but you can do it. You can move on, and you're never alone.

World Changing

Post #216: Dedicated to: Girl Like You; Pete Yorn

From the words of a very wise young man: "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."

Run Forward

Post #215: Dedicated to: Penny on the Train Track; Ben Kweller

It's cold here. But it's not cold enough to break out my heavy winter coat (at least, in my opinion). And unfortunately, I don't have a medium winter coat...so I am stuck layering and layering. It's still cold. And windy. But I love this weather – I love how the cold bites you the minute you step outside. I love heaters that warm up rooms, candles that set the mood, the idea of Danish hygge. I can't wait for my favorite winter holidays...Thanksgiving (which I may be spending in Berlin! Although sans pumpkin/pecan pie, turkey, and mashed potatoes...sadness...), Christmas, New Years...good times lie ahead!

Stay Strong

Post #214: Dedicated to: Stereo Hearts; Gym Class Heroes

I had noticed a few days ago that T- deactivated his facebook, and I was wondering why. Well we don't talk very often (or at all) to begin with, but now that I'm abroad and can't text him, facebook was pretty much our only method of communication. I speculated, of course, that these were busy school times, especially since he's probably still very focused on studying for the mcat.

Well now he's back. And I saw that Sunday was Nate's memorial service at Cornell that I believe T- and his best friends coordinated. I mean, I don't know if there's any direct correlation, but...

hope you're staying strong, bro.

Emails from Mom

Post #213: Dedicated to: Two Points for Honesty; Guster

Mama says:

I was very surprized at your mail. Your Korean spellings are perfect. I am so happy. You are healthy and good. I am so proud of you! Have a good evening! Your dad went to whole sale store. Woo He is coming......... mom

Print-a-holic

Post #212: Dedicated to: Mighty to Save; Hillsong

I'm in love with this print. I spent more time than I'm proud to admit looking at pages and pages of prints on etsy last night. Some more of my favorites:

For when I'm missing home.

Because literary classics are fun.

Because you just gotta love Kate & Leo.

Devo

Post #211: Dedicated to: On Fire; Switchfoot

Today's bible verse:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord;

I will wait for the God of my salvation.

My God will hear me."

- Micah 7:7

Wise words every morning. Thanks for my devo, D-bo! ;)

Overlwhelmingly

Post #210

Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me. They overwhelm my identity.

I wish I was stronger.

Easier said than done.

Le Pen

Post #209: Dedicated to: Not Over You; Gavin Degraw

I'm with V-. I'm a pen snob. (I'm also kind of a friend snob, but that is a story for another time.) My favorite pen is one my friend gifted to me for high school graduation – a jetstream uniball. I like it so much, I bought ink refills off ebay. It writes so, so smoothly with just the perfect amount of ink – not so inky that it bleeds through notebook paper, but not so ballpoint-y that the ink is spotty. Perfect ratio.

I've also become of fan of "le pen". It's a bit like a sharpie pen - a little more marker-y than a normal ballpoint - and its pretty great. And there are a ton of different colors. A little pricey, yes, but I am more than willing to invest in quality writing utensils. You should, too.

Creative Industries

Post #208: Dedicated to: The Best Love Song; T-Pain & Chris Brown

"The point of education should not be to inculcate a body of knowledge, but to develop capabilities: the basic ones of literacy and numeracy as well as the capability to act responsibly towards others, to take initiative and to work creatively and collaboratively. The most important capability, and one which traditional education is worst at creating, is the ability and yearning to carry on learning. Too much schooling kills off the desire to learn."

- Charles Leadbeater, 1999

Things are looking up, my friends.

My Mama

Post #207

My mom is too cute. I skyped with her earlier telling her that my wallet was stolen (not everything else that happened) and was still a little sniffly and teary-eyed from being so frustrated at everything. In any case, I just got this email from her:

Clara!

You look very sad.

But you are better than your brother.

He lost his computer, wallet and drivers license, school ID and debit card, too

We didn't lose you. HaHa!

If I get your new debit card, I WILL SEND YOU!!!!!

Have a good night! Clara:)

Mom

And Here We Go

Post #206

Sorry I have been so MIA lately. It's been crazy getting adjusted (ish), losing my luggage (both suitcases successfully here!) and all. But now I'm okay. I think.

I've also finally decided I'm going to start a new, separate study abroad blog. (I'll share the link for that here soon enough...when I actually start it...) I thought about just using this blog and writing new, study abroad-related posts...but then decided that some of the stuff here is just too personal that I don't want everyone reading.

But anyway...I had a frustrating day today. Well, just a frustrating couple of hours. I was lugging my 50lb suitcase and a huge bag (it probably weighs more than my suitcase, is giant and blue and an IKEA bag) of books for my classes and walking to the train station with my housemates. My housemates ended up ditching me - although whether that was accidental, a misunderstanding, or intentional, I don't know - and I lugged all my stuff on to the train by myself only to realize once I sat down that the front pocket of my backpack was open, and my wallet missing. Yeah. I have to say, sitting at the bus stop alone, with a stolen wallet, a suitcase, and a huge bag of books, waiting for the bus to arrive was the loneliest I've felt in a long time.

And yes, I realize that although Copenhagen is a very safe city, pickpocketing does indeed happen. I'm sure I was quite an easy target, though - both hands full with so much heavy stuff, and just a backpack with no one around me. (I can't help but think that if my housemates were there, this wouldn't have happened...) But at least nothing too important was in there - just around $20 USD, debit card, license, school ID...all things replaceable. Thank the Lord that my Dad made me change a lot of cash to kroner before coming - and that it was all in my suitcase, NOT my wallet. In any case, it was a frustrating/annoying experience, and I curse myself for being so stupid.

Moving on to my housemates...it's only the 2nd day, and I seem to have made new friends. At least, there's a group of people that I hang out with - walk to and from places, etc - and enjoy talking to...but it seems that all of those people very much like to party. Like, I want to get trashed and shit-faced. As in, came abroad for the sole purpose of partying. And not just partying, but doing other...shall we say, frowned upon, things (that they all seem to have tried before). Aaaand...well, that's just not something I'm into, or want to be around. (Also, definitely strictly prohibited not only in the study abroad program, but also the country.) So I'm not sure where things will be headed - if I turn down every offer to go party (which I obviously won't - I'll have a good time when I want to have a good time), I feel that it will isolate me, but I don't want to be around frowned upon things in the least. I don't know. I definitely value my education and am going to take my classes seriously and equally as importantly, I plan on having a good time - even if that good time doesn't involve getting inebriated. I'm really not here just to waste my money on alcohol and other such things.

I hope, though, that if the opportunity arises, I will tell them these things and they will respect my decisions not to partake in all that they do. Or else...I'm going to have to find some new friends.

Psychitude

Post #205 Dedicated to: Bullet with Butterfly Wings; Smashing Pumpkins

It is crazy to think that in a mere 48 hours, I will be on a plane to Copenhagen.

Goodbyes

Post #204: Dedicated to: The Guardian

I hate leaving, and I hate leaving people behind. I think a lot of it is just for pure selfish reasons. It pains me to think that everyone's lives will go on just the same, even though I'm not there. (I know. Totally selfish and self-centered!) Or more so than that...it hurts to know that I am so easily replaceable.

It's just so easy to fall into a habit of things and not change...so a part of me is slowly growing more and more terrified of going to Copenhagen. Excited, sure, because I'll be traveling and meeting new people, but terrified because...what if it's not all it's cracked up to be? What if I hate it? What if I hate where I live, the people I live with? What if I get so homesick I can't enjoy Denmark? What if I don't fit in? What if I make no friends? What if, what if, what if...??

It would be so much easier to stay in my comfort zone, go to H-ford again in the fall, and continue my usual routines just like I've been doing for the past two years.

But no. It's a test of my strength and courage to face new challenges in a new world. So I'll be going. But I won't be saying good-bye, only "see ya later!"

(And please don't forget about me.)

A Week

Post #203: Dedicated to: Little Lion Man; Mumford & Sons

It was a long weekend, long and exhausting but totally and completely worth everything. I'll be honest, I was most definitely surprised at how praise night turned out. After hearing about all the haters and seeing how our kids reacted to the first half, I thought to myself, "Ugh. I just want this to be over. Then I don't have to worry about it ever again, and I can finally be done with it."

But then the second half came and went, and God's good grace taught everyone (including me) a lesson once again. It was beautiful, it really was. Even if only one heart in the entire crowd felt a touch of God's presence, even if it was only one person who laid it all down and surrendered, I consider it a job well done. For just one person – it was all worth it, and more.

I know I worried a lot, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. And we will do it again, next year, just the same. Only each time will be better than the last.

It's my last day at work tomorrow. Somehow, this summer just worked. Everything fit in and everything turned out fine – even better than fine. And yet, I wonder if I could have done things differently.

Drumroll, Please

Post #202: Dedicated to: The Book Thief; by Markus Zusak

There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother titled "Drumroll, Please." It dealt with everything leading up to a great, spectacular moment, but not the actual moment. Just the drumroll, and nothing more. Sometimes I think that's how it should be - all of the excitement, butterflies, wonderful feelings leading up to something big or something small...but only that. It should stop there. Because more oftentimes than not, whatever it is is a disappointment. Who needs disappointment? Only the perfect, perfect drumroll. And just a drumroll, please.

Some Things Never Change

Post #201

I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried and tried and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, but nothing's changed. Nothing has changed. I don't know why I thought things would be different this summer. I don't know why I expected him to change, or me to change. Some things never change, and some people never change. Sometimes I will always just hate my brother. I might have to love him because he's family, but I will never ever like him. Sometimes I will hate him. It pains me to say that, but I can't bring myself to be anything else, to do anything more. I just can't. So I'm just going to sit here and hate him, then hate myself for being this way.

Two Hundred

Post #200: Dedicated to: A Northern Light; by Jennifer Donnelly

For some strange reason, my blog thinks it's on EST. And I can't figure out how to change it. Oh well. But it is currently 11:44 p.m., not whatever absurd time this blog claims it is!

Happy August! And happy 200th post!

Kismet

Post #199: Dedicated to: Melody; Kate Earl

Somebody find me my soulmate.

Je ne sais pas

Post #198

Sometimes I wish there was someone who knew me better than I know myself. An outside perspective. A second opinion.

For the first time ever, though, I think I finally realized there are other choices in my life than being an English major. I'm not chained to a professional career. I'm not shackled to a life of editing and publishing, something I'm not even sure I want to do. Why can't I study anthropology? Why shouldn't I love what I learn, and love what I do? Now it's just a matter of taking that leap of faith, making that jump, but I don't know if I can. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough, courageous enough to change my life. I'm not ready just yet...

The broski comes home tomorrow night. Here's to...something. I need my brother, and I need to get to know my brother. I need him just as much as he needs me, even if he may not realize it yet.

Two Things

Post #197: Dedicated to: Iridescent; Linkin Park

Two things I want at this very moment:

cold weather

and How I Met Your Mother.

Ethnic Cuisine

Post #196: Dedicated to: You Know Who I Am; Matt Maher

I really wish I could write down or magically remember all of the cute things my kids say every day. They really do say the cutest things - especially the younger ones, the 6-7 year olds. So adorable. If I had a dollar for every time they made me laugh and go "awww," I'd be a millionaire. Okay, maybe not a millionaire. I'd have 100 bucks.

Aloha!

Post #195: Dedicated to: Remember Me

My mother informed me this morning that my entire family (think: grandpa, three sets of aunts/uncles + 2 kids each, and my parents and brother) will be going to Hawaii this winter break!

Every winter – more specifically, the week after Christmas and before New Years – our whole family (my dad's side) gets together in Fullerton. My cousins from Oregon fly down, my cousins from Korea fly out, and it's quite the family reunion. There are definitely times I feel like I don't belong and times I wish I didn't belong, but I do love my family no matter what.

And this year, we're going to Hawaii! I've never been, so I'm definitely stoked. This is going to be an exciting rest of the year - Denmark from Aug-Dec, and then a week in Hawaii! So excited. :)

On another note - I'd really love to make a cake like the one above. I tried toying around with food coloring, but I could never get the colors to look like that. Sadness.

Woody Allen

Post #194: Dedicated to: Midnight in Paris

After seeing Woody Allen's new film Midnight in Paris, I've definitely decided I am a big fan of his work. Granted, I haven't seen very much of his movies - only Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Cassandra's Dream, but I'm a huge fan nevertheless. I don't know if it's the humor, the acting, the music, the filming, or a combination of everything, but I love them all.

I highly recommend Midnight in Paris. (M-, if you're reading this promise me you'll go watch it!) Maybe you won't like Woody Allen's particular style as much as I do, but it will still be an enjoyable movie!

Quality Time

Post #193: Dedicated to: Surrender; Vineyard

When I have my own family in the future, quality family time is going to be a must. Especially in the form of family dinners. I want the kind of family dinners where everyone is smiling and happy to talk about their days, where we're all so thankful to be there, sitting down together, sharing our lives and spreading our love.

Ooh. That was cheesy. I loooove the metaphorical/figurative (not literal!) cheese.

New Life

Post #192: Dedicated to: Take It All; Hillsong United

I had an incredible weekend that I will never forget. After re-reading my last post...ha, I feel like this day was coming. And apparently, S- knew so too. The moment I told her about my weekend, the first thing she says is "Clara, you're growing so much! Thank the Lord...I've been praying for this day..." Suffice to say, I was definitely moved by that statement. (: God has blessed me with amazing friends.

But I've definitely underestimated how tough it would be – Although I don't know why, because everyone kept warning us. But still, I'm excited and finally ready to go on this new journey, laying everything down for the glory of the Lord. Finally. I've been waiting for this moment for so long.

So here I am.
Same old me,

just a new life.

Ewe-la-la

Post #191: Dedicated to: Never Gonna Leave This Bed; Maroon 5

(Happy Birthday A-! Hope you had the most fabulous of days. The photo is just for you. More HIMYM marathons to come!)

I feel weird these days. Just not myself. I think I know what's causing it, but I'm not sure why or how to shake it off. Nor can I quite explain it. All of the sudden, something's different. You might not notice any difference, but it's in there, hidden deep inside. I don't like feeling like I'm changing. But I don't know why.

Soul Train

Post #190: Dedicated to: Promises; Desperation Band

Had such a great weekend. Haven't had one of these in a while – and the good times just keep on coming! (And hopefully will for the rest of the summer.)

But this weekend really made me want to stay in California forever. I hate that I constantly have to leave, and I hate the thought of leaving people I love behind. It makes me think...where do I really belong after college? Do I want to try to make it in New York or Boston or some other east coast city...or do I want to come home to Cali? Not sure yet, but SJKCC definitely adds one point to CA.

I also sincerely hope that the new friends I meet, I will stay friends with for a while. It bums me out whenever I meet new people I really like, and then we never see each other/talk to each other again. Fingers crossed this time around!

Summer Solstice

Post #189: Dedicated to: Undisclosed Desires; Muse

Matt Bomer, you are a beautiful, charming, suave man. I wish I had cable so I could watch White Collar and stare at you for an hour of riveting television every week.

My day off was perfection. A wonderful day at the beach (should have put on more sunscreen on my face...whoops) and a delicious dinner. Shame I lost my sunglasses in the water...again...you think I would learn this after losing my sunglasses to waves LAST summer. Third time's the charm?

"I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart"

Miss USA

Post 188: Dedicated to: Heaven; OAR

I think she's absolutely gorgeous. Do us proud, California!

Thanks

Post #187

D-, I love ya. Thanks. Really. :)

And let's meet up...Mondays or Wednesdays! Mondays because it's the start of the week so we can always use a little pick-me-up, and Wednesdays because it's the middle of the week so it'll give us a little push towards the weekend! Haha. And we'll pick a delicious (cheap) restaurant to try out each week!

And it's not so bad anymore. Now that the school year festivities are pretty much over, we're moving on to the summer workshops, and I should be getting a much more detailed introduction/overview of exactly what my duties are. And – I'm getting the grant from my school for sure! So at least there's always that. I hope your internship goes well! (I'm sure it will. And if not...well I promise you it will get better!) If nothing else...well, there's always the weekend to look forward to.

In other news: Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I remember a looong time ago, back in Anaheim, when I got an award in something (can't remember what...school? orchestra?) but you decided we would celebrate by going out for a drive. It was a long drive, I don't even know where we went, and I'm pretty sure I slept through 90% of it, but I loved spending time with my Dad. For some odd reason, I never feel safer than when I'm in the car with you. I know I joke a lot about getting all of my bad genes from you, but I wouldn't change it for the world, because you make me who I am. Thanks for everything, and I'm going to make you proud one day.

Useless

Post #186: Dedicated to: Hurt Love Box; Mark Ballas

I felt so discouraged on my way home today. I know it's only my second day, but I haven't really been introduced or given an overview of exactly what I should be doing at any moment. I mean, they handed me an old (as in, was written on because it belonged to an old intern) intern handbook to read over, and while it had lots of information in it, I have no idea if that's what I should be doing. I don't know if I should pick up the phone, what to say if I do pick up the phone, whether or not to check the email account, what to do if I have nothing to do, whether I should sit in a chair and twiddle my thumbs...

Then I feel stupid, because it makes me feel like I should be taking initiative and doing these things on my own. Is that what everyone expects of me? I have no idea. So I just sit there feeling useless.

And to top it all off, I was paired to work with one of the most difficult kids during the afternoon tutoring session. Seriously, this little third grader just would not do his work or stay in his seat, something my boss told him repeatedly to do. Then I thought I would get into trouble because my boss told me not to let him get up, but he'd get up anyway and not do his homework, making me look like a bad babysitter. Is it me? Should I have been stricter right off the bat so he listened? I can't remember if yesterday he was acting just as badly...

But yeah. Suffice to say, by the time I left, I was feeling pretty down and incompetent. I feel like I'm letting my boss down, and worst of all I'm letting myself down. I don't like that.

To top it all off, I feel exhausted. I'm not ready for real-life workdays yet. I leave my house around 8, 8:30 to get there by 10. I get out around 5:30 or 6, and then get home (ever so slowly) anywhere from 7-8. Almost 12-hour workdays here. I'm feeling like I've got no time in my life anymore. And ha, it's only been the second day.

The thing is, this organization and the programs they put on are absolutely amazing. The mornings are taken up by field trips where grade schoolers and middle schoolers come in to the writing lab to co-write a story that we publish (print and bind), all in about two hours. The kids are hilarious and they have so much fun, and it's such a great way to get them writing and thinking creatively. And I'm sure the after school tutoring is very helpful for some students, especially those who need the extra one-on-one attention and a safe place to be and work and such.

So this is probably a lot of me whining. But hopefully things will get better, and soon. Cheers to that.

2 a.m. Friends

Post #185: Dedicated to: The Romantics; by Galt Niederhoffer

From Sarah Dessen's What Happened to Goodbye:

" 'When you move a lot, you don't have a lot of entanglements. There's not really time to get all caught up in things. It's simpler.'
He thought about this for a second. 'True. But if you never really make friends, you probably don't have anyone to be your two a.m. Which would kind of suck.'

I just looked at him as he stirred his soup, carrots spinning in the liquid. 'Your what?'

'Two a.m.' He swallowed, then said, 'You know. The person you can call at two a.m. and, no matter what, you can count on them. Even if they're asleep or it's cold or you need to be bailed out of jail. It's, like, the highest level of friendship.' "

Are we two a.m. friends?

Complex

Post #184: Dedicated to: Baby Proof; by Emily Giffin

I think one of the favorite questions interviewers like to ask is: what is your best/worst quality? It's something I hate answering. I feel like my closest friends could answer that much more accurately than I ever could. Or rather – my closest friends can see my best qualities more clearly than I ever will. And all I can see are my worst qualities, like they're pixelated after being zoomed in too much.

I remember I was asked what my worst quality was in high school during an interview and couldn't, for the life of me, think of one thing on the spot. (The interview, coincidentally, didn't go that well. I really am not a great interviewer. At all.) I can't even honestly remember what I said. All I know is, an hour after the interview I realized the perfect worst quality (all the while cursing my luck that I couldn't think of it at the time) – that I was competitive.

Oddly enough, being competitive serves as a best and a worst quality. Then, when you think about it, almost everything can be both a best and a worst trait. You're happy, but too happy such that you are blind to anything sad or bad. You're dedicated, but sometimes too dedicated and a work-a-holic. You're kind, but too kind and thus taken advantage of. See what I mean?

Anyway, I've come to realize (apart from the fact that I am a fairly complex person) that one of the most constant best/worst qualities I have is hope. I'm aware of its pros/cons. One of my favorite quotes, from the movie Milk: "You cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living." That kind of sums it all up. I'm aware that too much hope is definitely dangerous, and in my case is probably very well caused by all those chick flicks/books I read that fill my head with a fantastical idea of a perfect life – and, what's more, lead me to hope that that kind of perfect life exists out there for me. But to be without hope (and hope for anything, really – hope that you will improve your writing, hope for a newborn child, hope that the war will soon end), and to be completely devoid of hope...is that really a life worth living? Who wants to live a life spent thinking that it's not going to get better in the end?

No, it's not realism. It's cynicism.

And I guess that just makes me an optimist.

Siblings

Post #183: Dedicated to: What Happened to Goodbye; by Sarah Dessen

I have to say, I'm quite glad I'm the youngest sibling. I don't know what I would have done if I had a difficult younger brother or sister. As immature as my brother can be, I was most definitely the bigger brat growing up. And he was pretty patient with me, and often gave up his share of the ice cream cones and t.v. time or whatnot.

Like I said, I don't know what I'd do if I had a little sister like me. Or worse, a little sister who is an even bigger brat growing up, going through middle-school and high-school crushes and drama and puberty and all that. I'd probably hate her and not want to be her sister, which would be just sad.

Yeah. Pretty thankful I'm the youngest.

(Above picture is the art of Richard Curtner, who is currently my new favorite artist. I'm going to try to emulate his work with one of my own, fingers crossed! Also, if anyone would like to get me a print of that picture for my birthday, I would be eternally grateful. Or "Better than Fiction." or "Epic." =] )

Constant Reminder

Post #182: Dedicated to: Life As We Know It

It never fails to surprise me how much I could not care about something if it's not close to home, if it doesn't affect me, if it's not physically around me.

One such situation I was reminded of today: being born in the right place at the right time to the right family. Being privileged enough to immigrate to America and become a U.S. citizen.

You'd think that after taking a class titled Conflict and Inequality in Latin America, I'd have learned all about immigration. Which I did. In fact, I even did my final media presentation project on migration within and out of Mexico. But still, I forgot that I knew people who had immigrated, who weren't citizens – who weren't allowed to legally be in America at all.

I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. Not being allowed a drivers license...financial aid for college? And so many other "privileges"...just makes me appreciate what I have so much more. It's a constant reminder to thank my lucky stars.

Can't Sleep

Post #181: Dedicated to: Teen Idol; by Meg Cabot

It's 3:51 a.m. and I am not sleepy in the slightest. Damn you, green tea lemondade in the afternoon and earl grey in the evening. Should have seen this coming.

Since midnight, I've watched 3 episodes of Pushing Daisies, re-read Teen Idol (from the middle to the end), and lay in bed dreaming up study abroad scenarios and getting myself very pumped to be in Copenhagen. Definitely need to be up in about 5 hours and head to the strawberry festival in Oxnard. :)

So on Thursday I was back at my old high school helping out with yearbook distribution, and I got to see one of my favorite teachers, Mr. M. Needless to say, he didn't seem all that excited to see me—or maybe I'm just being typical me, over-thinking and over-analyzing everything. But anyway, it got me thinking...how much do high school teachers care? Students come and students go—good, bad, smart, lazy. Sure, they have favorites every year in every class, but what happens when said favorites graduate and leave? Teachers have hundreds and hundreds of new kids each year. Are they really expected to care about the handful of kids they especially liked or didn't like that year...for the rest of their lives? Do all the special students remain remembered? Is it just a fantasy that us students have when we think our favorite high school teachers look back fondly on their memories of us in their classes? Do teachers really not give a damn?

If I end up becoming a high school teacher somewhere down the line, I swear—I'm always going to remember those kids. Maybe not all of them, but at least the special ones, whether they were special because they were smart, motivated, lazy, or troublemakers. I won't forget their names and what they were like, even if I have to write it down.

p.s. chicken stir-fried udon was a success! Next up: buffalo chicken dip. (Can you tell I have a lot of chicken left over?)

Dear Future Husband

Post #180

I have one requirement. That you kill all the bugs for me without flinching.

These Are The Facts

Post #179: Dedicated to: Pushing Daisies

I'm on a mission this summer: to cook for myself. Today, I made a delicious salad. Ha...a pretty simple salad, but perfectly delicious to me! Mixed greens, corn, mandarin oranges, lemon juice. Yep, that's it. Sweet and simple.

Next task: stir-fried chicken and udon. It might just fail...but cereal's always a nice back-up plan.

And a side note: I appreciate having a few days off, but I've realized that I like having a routine. That routine might not involve waking up early in the morning...but it sure doesn't involve sleeping 12 hours a day only to take another 3-hour nap in the afternoon. Ya. No joke. It's sad, really. I'm ready to start my internship and start my summer. (:

So yeah, I've been lazying around watching lots and lots of movies and tv. Pushing Daisies: highly recommended, if only to stare at Lee Pace's adorable face. And long for pies. Mmm. Pies. Pastiera. Blueberry cream. Pumpkin. Banana Cream. A la mode. Yummmmm. Pies.

I'll get an LA Fitness membership soon. And start getting back into my routine. For now, though, I've got Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the best oranges ever to keep me company.

p.s. Love seeing dreams come true. Love putting a smile on someone's face. All you need sometimes is a big heart. A good heart.

My Happiness

Post #178: Dedicated to: August Rush

Every so often, I come upon one of those days. Or rather, one of those nights. When the tensions of my life and the problems of the world crash upon me and all I want to do is crawl up in a ball, cry, and sleep forever. I know I have to get up in the morning and start all over again, but it's hard to feel like it'll get any better, that I'll get happier.

So here are my personalized tips for happiness, things I really am going to strive to follow.

1) Have faith and confidence in myself. I'm smart, and I can do it.

2) Lower my expectations – life is not like it is in the movies. It's high time I realized that.

3) Stop constantly comparing myself to others. I am me, and that's the most important thing.

4) Really, really live in the moment. Think about today, not tomorrow. I spend too much time thinking – worrying, really – about what's going to happen, not what's happening now. I've got to stop losing myself in the future, and start finding myself in the present.

There are my tailored happinesses. Hopefully they help.