Buzzer Beater

Post#39: Dedicated to Resistance; Muse

I spent all of today yelling at the top of my lungs while simultaneously clapping my hands as loud as I could, trying my best to focus on the game and to not screw up the calculation of fouls and the points and the shot clock.

I wouldn't have done a minute of it over again.

I am so, so, so proud of our team, our church, and our support. GO VALLEY!

Ten Inch Hero

Post #38: Dedicated to: Feeling a Moment; Feeder

Great movie with a great soundtrack.

Am I a laid-back person? Or am I a completely anal-retentive, high-strung female? I don't know what I think about that. I don't know which I would rather be. I also don't know who thinks what: my closest friends vs. people who I've only just met.

I like to think the life of any character in Ten Inch Hero would be a wonderfully perfect life. Live on the beach, work with people who are your second family, fall in love...and lead the most relaxing life imaginable. Be happy. No pressures, no tension, no worries.

I also like to think someday I can be that person. As I grow up, as I mature, dreams change. Goals become different, success a different meaning. Happiness. Simplicity. Love. Isn't that all you need in life?

I don't know. I'm changing. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. The real me...who is that? The same girl in high school who was known for being: loud, sarcastic, fiercely independent, moody, violent, smart, aggressive, intimidating, who never smiled, who never failed to make insulting remarks? That's not who I want to be. That's not who I am.

Life's not about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. And I'm creating myself, bit by bit, day by day.

I'll be okay.

Untitled #2

Post #37

I should have stayed on the east coast for the summer. Away from my parents.

Most parents want their children to get a job. Most parents want their children to learn the value of a dollar. Most parents want their children to understand what it means to work for what you want.

Not mine. All my father wants? For me to study. Yes, study. Study study study study study study study study every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year for the rest of my life. I feel like I have this constant pressure breathing down my neck. A 3.7 isn't good enough, no. That's preposterous. Anything under a 4.0?!? Get out.

I want to scream and cry, because my father won't listen to me. He hears me, but he won't listen. He tells me experience in retail means nothing. Oh, like I won't be learning and growing as an independent person and experiencing life in new ways.

No, I don't want to be brilliant something. I don't want to be a brilliant doctor, I don't want to be a brilliant lawyer. I want a fairly modest profession. If I told my parents I wanted to be a teacher, they'd tell me to go to graduate school, get a PhD, and teach university students. But kindergarten? I'd be letting someone down. I'd be disappointing someone. It's not good enough, it's not smart enough. What are you doing with an expensive college education just to be a teacher?

But whatever my father says, he thinks is law. No, I can't paint my room walls (MY ROOM WALLS.) No, I can't get a second ear piercing. No, I can't work for extra spending money I know my parents don't have, no matter what they might say. I'm so angry and so frustrated. Words can't describe it. UGH. Guess this isn't the best time to be writing this, because I'm probably extremely irrational right now. But then again maybe that's the best time to be writing this. That's exactly the purpose of a blog, anyway, right?

I know my parents want me to have a better life than they did. I know they just want what's best for me. But sometimes they don't always know what's best for me. Maybe I want to be the black sheep in the household and run away, live on my own and cut off all ties from my family. I thought going to a college far far far far away on the east coast would cut it, but clearly it doesn't. All throughout high school I just wanted to get away. And I worked my butt off to do so. It's just not far enough.

As much as I love my friends, no one can relate. They get along fine with their parents, they don't have the same lives as I do. No pity party intended for myself, but it's so frustrating sometimes when I feel like no one can relate. I'm surrounded by people, but I feel alone? I sound selfish. Maybe I am.

Guess this is just a sign. I'm never coming home for the summer again. If it weren't for friends I wanted to see, I wouldn't be here at all.

When am I ever going to be good enough for you?

Just me. Me, without academics. Me, without a brain. Is that ever, ever going to be enough?

Musings

Post #36: Dedicated to Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

It never gets old, that timeless tale of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. In fact, I appreciate it so much more now than I did the winter break of 10th grade. So much more.

And I also learn to appreciate more my friends. I don't thank you enough. But you deserve it all and more. Some college friends tell me they don't ever talk to their high school friends anymore, and that college friends are all they've got - not that they mind horribly. I was appalled. What, not talk to your old friends?! How is that possible?? In my world, it's not. And as we grow older by the minute, I find myself treasuring friendship - both new and old - more and more. At the end of the day, it's who we're with that matters, not what we've done.

As cheesy as it sounds (although we all know I love to lay on the cheese. Figuratively, not literally. Literally, I hate cheese.) you have helped shape me. You have helped me learn, grow, prosper...and without you, I would not be the same. I love that a small part of me was worried - how would things change now that we all had a year of college under our belts? But silly me, there was absolutely no need to be worried at all. We pick up where we left off, and we learn, grow, and prosper together even more so than ever. The world is a better place when you've got friends by your side.

Bipolarity

Post #35: Dedicated to: Key to My Heart; Jessica Jarrell

There are too many thoughts running through my head, and I just want to sleep sleep sleep them all away. But I wake up and there they are, staring at me in the face. Because they won't go away.

My thoughts are much like the people I want to avoid. I can't avoid them forever. I can ignore them and pretend like they don't exist. But they do. And they always return. Even though I wish they wouldn't. Life would be a simpler place.

Because let's face it. I have no courage. I'm not strong, I'm not fierce. I worry. A lot. And it holds me back. But I don't mind. So I sit here, watching chick flicks and wondering if anything will ever happen. Because it never does. And on the extremely rare chance that it does, I'll run the other way. Because I don't know what to do. I don't know that I want to know what to do. I don't know what I want.

So maybe courage is not the absence of fear. Maybe fear can co-exist alongside courage. And yet still...still...

But no regrets. Yet. Just a lot of thinking. Just too much thinking, and too much time. And not enough time. My life is complicated. But it shouldn't be.

The Way I See It

Post #34: Dedicated to: Airplanes; B.o.B.

It's going to be okay in the end.

Mighty to Save

Post #33: Dedicated to: Take it All; Hillsong

Steubenville West 2009, I miss you.

"Jesus we're living for your name,

we'll never be ashamed of you.

Our praise, and all we are today,

take, take, take it all; take, take, take it all."

Walk. Talk. Preach. Teach. In the name of love.

"Savior, he can move the mountains,

My God is mighty to save,

He is mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave."

Love

Post #32: Dedicated to Terrified; Katharine McPhee ft. Zachary Levi

As I write my one last final paper on the essence of true love, I reflect.

What I wouldn't give for a guy to look at me like I'm everything.

"like the sun rises and sets with you."

Someday...one day...I'll find myself in love with that guy.

And it won't matter what anyone says. Because I believe in true love. And I believe in hope.

(Pictures credited to the amazing Jasmine Star Photography)

Untitled

Post #31

What my father tells me when I get home:

"What is your major going to be?"

I tell him, English.

He asks me, what are you going to do with an English major?

Gee, Dad, I don't know yet. I mean, I have some ideas...I could be a teacher, I'd love to work in publishing, and here's something I'd never tell you: I want to write. I want to write for a living.

He tells me, I guess it doesn't really matter what you do as long as you go to graduate school.

Really, Dad? A graduate school that I can't even fathom to afford? A graduate school I don't even want to go to, a graduate school that will be useless to me?

I don't want to go to graduate school. I don't need to go to graduate school. Nor do I want to think about it right now. How 'bout the fact that I have three more years of my undergraduate life to fulfill? How 'bout that? Can ya spare me some time to think about the life I've already spent hours and hours thinking about? Can you?

Maybe I'll get teaching credentials (but oh wait, I can already get them through my school's teaching program), maybe I'll get a masters in creative writing (something you probably wouldn't approve of, anyway), but graduate school? You don't care about my happiness - you just want me to go to graduate school. Okay.

I tell him I don't want to go to graduate school. He asks me, then what are you doing at a school like Haverford? Why not go to some Cal State?

Okay, Dad, let's not think about how these four years of my life are helping shape my identity as a human being, how I'm learning, I'm having fun, I'm meeting new people, I'm happy. Gee, why didn't I go to Cal State University, Northridge? And let's not forget about the fantastic financial aid I'm receiving from a private school like Haverford - or have you forgotten, it would actually have been so much more expensive for me to go to UCLA?

Sure, Dad. Let me think about this for a minute. And I'll get back to you. Someday. Or not.

Heart Beats

Post#30: Dedicated to: You Belong With Me; Taylor Swift

A song that's been in my head for ages. Time to write it down. Time to play the music.

I never

imagined this could be.

I'd always thought,

it was only me dreaming we.

Flawless,

Quintessential,

Just too good to be true,

and yet,

here I stand,

accepting hands,

with a single rose,

my heart

beats

for

You.