What I Need

Post #72: Dedicated to: Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights was a great movie. A truly spectacular, perfect mix of emotion and everything else. Great movie.

It's the last day of September. It's also incredibly windy, rainy, humid, and muggy. I've come to realize that my moods really do reflect the weather. When it's a perfectly sunny, cool day, I'm so happy. And I have no reason to be happy - I just am. And the sun helps. But when it's a day like today...I just can't help but want to go to sleep to run away and escape the world.

D-, can I just say that I really appreciate the way you always reassure me? It's what I need.

I do a lot of listening. I listen to other people's problems. I empathize. I sympathize. I tell them, "aw...I'm so sorry...that sucks, but I promise it'll get better!" and so on and so forth. And after I listen to them, I tell them my problems, and they somehow always manage to brush it off and get the conversation back on them and their woes. Always. And that's not what I need.

When I tell you something bad, when I tell you something that's worrying me or causing me stress, just tell me that it's gonna be okay. Don't laugh at it. Don't laugh at me, or make me feel like an idiot for telling you anything. Tell me..."I'm sorry, that sucks, but I have total and complete faith in you and it's going to get better, I promise." Even if it might not really get better. Just tell me that. Reassure me. If I say I feel stupid in class, tell me that I'm not. Tell me I'm smart. If I tell you I feel ugly, tell me that I'm not. Tell me I'm beautiful. And tell me, "hey, even if things don't change, I'll love you for you, any day, every day. Have faith, because I have faith in you."

That's what I need.

¿Donde está el baño?

Post #71: dedicated to: You Belong Here; Anberlin

I live on a floor of 16-20 people. One bathroom. Three stalls of toilets, one urinal (with a door for privacy) and two showers.

Why, males, why, must you use the toilets, and then leave the seat up?

Foliage

Post #70: dedicated to: When We First Met; Hellogoodbye

I woke up this morning, looked out my window, and saw red leaves.

Hello, fall!

Loving

Post #69: dedicated to: She's Out of My League, Stephen Speaks

"It's her hair and her eyes today

that just simply take me away

and the feeling that I'm falling further in love

makes me shiver but in a good way.

All the times I have sat and stared

as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair

and she purses her lips, bats her eyes, as she plays

with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say.

'Cause I love her with all that I am,

and my voice shakes along with my hands.

'Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea,

but I'd rather be here than on land.

'Cause she's all that I see and she's all that I need

and I'm out of my league once again."

I want to fall in love.

I think I'm ready to fall in love.

Second Time

Post #68: Dedicated to High School Musical

"Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance."

Do you believe in second chances?

Abroad

Post #67: Dedicated to She's the Man

I so want to travel - right this minute.

I want to find myself in some strange, foreign land far away, armed with my camera and perhaps a guidebook or dictionary for simple words and phrases. I want to walk around in streets, stroll through parks, lay under the sun and read, sit at cafes and people watch, eat new food, sometimes delicious, sometimes not. I want to feel other cities, I want to experience different countries.

I so want to travel. Right now.

What Can You Do?

Post #66

Today is just one of those days.

I'm awkward. I make things awkward. I make people around me awkward. I make situations awkward.

I'm alone. I may be surrounded by people, but I'm lonely. At the end of the day, I'm alone.

I can't speak. I can't raise my hand in class. Everything I want to say, someone beats me to it. What I say is stupid. I'm stupid. I'm not brilliant.

I wish I was brilliant. I wish I wasn't awkward. I wish I didn't feel alone.

But I guess today is just one of those days.

Hercules

Post #65: Dedicated to: I Won't Say (I'm In Love); Hercules

At least,

out loud,

I won't say

I'm in love.

Too Much to Think About

Post #64: Dedicated to: Either Way; Guster

I have too much to think about, so maybe when it's here in writing it'll help me sort things out.

First of all,

To minor or to not minor in educational studies? The education class I would have to take this semester does not seem that fun...and it's a lot of work. A LOT of work. Too much work that I'd rather not invest my time in. And it's only going to get worse as the years go by...

Also, I don't even know if I want to teach. Right now, at this exact moment, I'd rather move to New York and work in publishing. But that's just right now...

Secondly,

I am a soprano, apparently. I auditioned for chamber singers tonight and the professor and I realized I have an incredibly clear high range. Like, that of a soprano 1, and not an alto 2. Yep. Oh, how I've been lied to all my life. Anyway...I'm not going to be accepted to chamber because I definitely don't have the classical training so far, but I'm glad I auditioned and learned this about myself. And the professor suggested I take private voice lessons, because had I had more training, I would be a complete shoo-in due to my good sight reading/tonal memory.

So I am considering voice lessons...but they're probably rather expensive, and where will that money come from??? Yeah. And say I did take lessons and auditioned again...I want to go abroad junior year, so the only full year I would be able to commit myself to chamber singers is senior year. All that work for just one year of singing? I don't know...but then again, I'd like to become a better singer in general, and this should help.

That leads me to third:

Money. And jobs. Should I take on another job? If I did, I'd definitely have more income to take private voice lessons and such. But do I have time for it? Especially now that I'm pitch of the Outskirts, with 5 hour a week rehearsals, and I'm already probably going to be working around 10 hours at the admissions office, and if I do take education, then 3 hours of fieldwork a week....plus obscene amounts of reading and writing for each class...

But extra money is always nice. Then I could go shopping. (Ha)

So yeah. Those are my dilemmas. And then there are always the usual boy problems. Boys suck. So if anyone has any, any, any words of advice, please shed them upon me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and I'm tired of thinking.