The Grades

Post #100: Dedicated to: Marry You; Glee

Someone tell me it's okay that I'm not perfect. I don't need to get A's and perfect scores on everything in my life. It's okay. You'll love me anyway, you'll love me the way I am.

Who I really need to hear this from is my parents. Unfortunately...

I never feel like enough. For once in my life, though, I'd like to hear my parents tell me that it's enough that I'm attending an amazing four-year college. It's enough that I'm learning new things everyday, I'm exploring my interests, I'm developing my skills as a writer and a critical thinker, I'm challenging myself every single day.

But unfortunately...

I think the only thing my dad would say if I told him that is: where is all my money going? How is this going to help you in the future? What are you going to do with your life? How are you going to get into graduate school? Where are the grades?

The grades, my dear father, are much more difficult to obtain than you might think.

I think that's the one thing that's keeping me from being an English major - something I feel that, deep down in my heart, is what I really want to do.

Damn the grades.

A great way to kick off my 100th blog post.

Sheltered

Post #99: Dedicated to: I Want to Spend My Lifetime Loving You; Marc Anthony and Tina Arena

I've lived a fairly sheltered life. But now, I feel like that is being used against me, as if it's going to be a disadvantage out in the real world. Every time I feel like this, I'd just quell my feelings and ignore them, but they just keep resurfacing now. So I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I wish I was more experienced in all things of the world...but at the same time, that scares me. A lot.

And it also just makes me sad when people don't seem to have the same great experiences as I do. I guess you're bound to come upon that everywhere, but for some reason it always just comes across to me as a great shock. And then it bums me out.

I feel like I haven't seen the real world yet. Just a sheltered nothing.

Ahhhhh

Post #98: Dedicated to: All I Do is Win; DJ Khaled

I can't think anymore.

Almost There

Post #97: Dedicated to: Say Anything

Close to home. So much to do this week including three papers, a presentation, and an a cappella show, but I'll get through it. And I'll get through the week after that, too. And then it will be finals week, and then I'll be

HOME.

What To Do?

Post #96

I'm so stressed out. I don't know how to cope with it. I have so much to do, not enough time to do it all, and not enough time to sleep.

I'm worried for my mental health, my physical health, and my grades.

I don't know how I'm going to get through these next three weeks.

I'd rather not celebrate Thanksgiving, but spend the entire extended weekend catching up on work and getting done with assignments that are rapidly approaching.

I'm stressed, and I don't know what to do.

Day Ten

Post #95

Day Ten: One confession:

I'm doing the best I can.

I was wondering for days now what my one confession was going to be. After my day today, I decided that this was it.

I'm doing the best that I can, okay? It might not be good enough for you. Well, tough. Learn to live with it. Or stop complaining, and do something about it.

Day Nine

Post #94: Dedicated to: Thinking About You; Norah Jones

So much to do, so little time. I wish I could stay caffeinated for life.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smiley faces that describe your life right now:

|-)

(:|

Hahahaha, according to a list of yahoo messenger smileys, the first one means "sleepy" and the second one means "yawn." Ahaha. I laugh.

Day Ten: One confession

p.s. K-: I'm taking so long to write your letter, sorry! I literally (literally, not figuratively. Heh.) have so much to do. I haven't even watched this week's HIMYM yet - and I usually watch this Monday night or Tuesday at the latest...ahh! But your response will come soon...or after Thanksgiving... (;

Perspective

Post #93

I hated taking benchmarks during school. I hated having to do STAR testing during school. To me, (and to tons of students and teachers alike still, today) it just seemed like a complete waste of time.

Looking at it on the other side of things, however, has changed my perspectives pretty much completely. (Thank you, Critical Issues in Education class.)

No, Bush's NCLB probably wasn't the best idea in the world, nor will it ever completely, 100% fix the achievement gap. And no, Obama's Race to the Top will probably not yield the amazing, positive results everyone is hoping for.

But still.

We discuss the disadvantages of standardized testing, and how they go against practically everything "good" teaching stands for. Without standardized testing, though, how is the nation supposed to measure the achievement level of the kids? Achievement being a fairly arbitrary term, of course. Yeah, standardized testing generally only tests English and math, with maybe a little bit of history and science on the side. So it doesn't cover all the possible "intelligences" of a child's brain, so it might not call upon the arts. What is the country supposed to do? Administer individual tests catered to each and every student's specific needs? Impossible.

There's a lot more to be done, and a lot more that can be done, but for the first time, I feel like I understand that we're doing the best we can with the resources we have available. And maybe not.

But maybe benchmark assessments every semester weren't such a bad thing, after all.

Day Eight

Post #92: Dedicated to: If We Ever Meet Again; Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

After a great and much needed weekend in Boston, here we are back at school. One week and two days until Thanksgiving break. 32 days until I am back safe and sound, home sweet home in CA. But in the meantime...much work remains.

Such a late Day Eight, but here goes.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win you heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons:

- Having a good relationship with parents and being sweet to younger siblings/small children

- Being intelligent – not necessarily academically intelligent, but intelligent – enough to carry a decent conversation

- Being musical talented and/or having an amazing, heart-melting voice.

Day Nine: Two smiley faces that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

Good Morning, Boston

Post #91: Dedicated to: Ain't No Sunshine; Bill Withers

One of the few times I'll catch the sunrise in my life. I'll savor it while I can.

On the bus sitting front of me was a female who spent about 30 minutes (if not more) fervidly filing her nails. And then clipping them or pruning her cuticles or whatever it is. I was a little embarrassed for my gender.

I still have to register...and I still have no idea what to take next semester. Aaaaand, the debate between anthropology and english is growing more and more heated. It's getting difficult. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't want to suffer through two and a half more years of hating the English department, waking up with a knot in my stomach knowing I won't be good enough for my professors, and just barely making it out alive. On the other hand, I don't want to feel like I'm giving up. Am I giving up on myself too soon?

But I've told myself I'm not going to worry about this until next semester. When I actually take more classes from both departments and am able to better gauge the situation.

I feel like I have a lot lot lot of work coming up...but in the meantime, you can find me in Davis Square, enjoying my last weekend off with two of my favorite people.

Also, I really fail at posting 10 days consecutively. To be continued.

People

Post #90

I'm exhausted. I've been out of my room for almost 12 hours, and I've still got a non-stop schedule ahead.

I'm getting so sick of people. People who are: selfish, judgmental, mean, too outspoken, rude, obnoxious, disrespectful, offensive, tactless. People who poison the world with their thoughts and their comments. It's no wonder the world is the way it is. It's people like you.

A few more years of this and I'll become so cynical I'll live in a dark hole for the rest of my life, refusing human contact.

It's because I care too much.

Day Seven

Post #89

Sorry friends, this post is a few hours past the actual day seven deadline. It's been a busy day. And it's going to be an even busier day tomorrow...but soon I will be en route to Boston!

Also, just a side note/rant: I'm very tired of crappy writers who think they can write and thus write articles for the newspaper...and then I'm stuck fixing their crappy errors and sentences and sentence structures, sometimes deleting things and adding things and completely moving things around. This is a college newspaper, people. Learn how to write. (This doesn't apply to everyone. Just a majority of writers at a nearby school whose population consists of two X's and no Y's.)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: four turn offs:

- Cockiness. Self-confidence is great...but when you get so full of yourself and you're entirely sure you are always 100% correct and will win at everything...that's where it all goes downhill.

- Being awkward. I'd like you to make the first move, not me.

- Lying. Honesty is the best policy, and it fosters the most communication, which is key in a relationship!

- Laziness/self-centered. I have to add these together because technically I'm only supposed to write four. But these kind of relate? I can't stand people who only think of themselves and thus become lazy while the rest of the hard-working world revolves around them.

Day Eight: three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smiley faces that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

10 days to resume in Boston. Or, on Sunday when I'm back home. Good night, world!

Day Six

Post #88

Going to Boston in just a few days. Can't wait.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever):

- Parents

- VCKA sisters

- PACKAM

- Apt 22 (and then some)

- God

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smiley faces that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

Day Five

Post #87

I promise, this is the last Zac picture. Not that anyone minds, right? So pleasing to the eyes (:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done:

- I think this every morning: I shouldn't have slept in that extra 20 minutes. Or however much.

- Bought those items of clothing.

- Said, let's just be friends.

- Kept to myself about every time something you did made me want to blow up the room so I didn't have to endure it any longer.

- Said yes.

- Caused you worry and pain. It won't happen anymore.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smiley faces that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

Day Four

Post #86

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

- I am going to take a nap later.

- What should I eat for dinner? lunch? breakfast? snack?

- What if? Where would things have gone?

- I want to go home.

- I miss my friends.

- Thursday, get here sooner.

- I love working in admissions.

Day Five: Six thing you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smiley faces that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

You Are Mine

Post #85

I love going to mass every Sunday. I didn't appreciate it as much as I do now. Sometimes I just need a break from school and work, and it's nice to spend an hour focusing on God.

One of today's hymns was "You Are Mine."

"Do not be afraid,

I am with you.

I have called you each by name.

Come and follow me,

I will bring you home.

I love you,

and you are mine."

Feels good to be loved by Christ.

Day Three

Post #84

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart:

- Sing me a song

- Play me an instrument

- Sing me a song while playing an instrument

- Make me laugh so hard I'm crying and my stomach and cheeks hurt

- Cook me a meal

- Flowers. On random days just to cheer me up.

- Watch sports games with me, even if you're not that interested

- Support me in anything I do - show up to concerts I'm performing in.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

Day Two

Post #83: Dedicated to: Just a Dream; Jake Bruene and Kurt Schneider

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself:

- I care what others think

- I've developed a new appreciation for mustard and guacamole

- Someday I'll be able to appreciate fine wines and champagnes. And cheese.

- I shop shop shop shop shop shop. Retail therapy.

- I am unabashedly a fan of both Zac Efron and High School Musical.

- Every break I only get through about 3-4 books on my reading list. It takes longer than you might think.

- I love traveling and I love taking pictures, and I wish I had an amazing DSLR camera and lens and was a super awesome photographer so my captured memories looked equally beautiful on film as in the moment.

- I like New Jersey.

- I really really really want to learn how to surf.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

Day One

Post #82: Dedicated to: Blade Runner


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:


- I wonder if one day we'll ever be as close as we should be.
- Why do you always make fun of me or put me down, when I don't do anything to you?
- No regrets? I think I regret.
- Thanks for listening.
- Listen more.
- I appreciate our phone calls and the fact that although we may be far apart, it always feel like I know exactly what's going on in your life when we do meet.
- I like that we can pick up our friendship where we left it off...but I worry sometime soon it's going to burn out.
- I don't appreciate you enough. But I will.
- Stop lying. Stop faking things. It's going to be your downfall.
- How much do you know?


Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs
Day Eight: Three turn ons
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now
Day Ten: One confession

American

Post #81: Dedicated to Enchanted; Taylor Swift

What is America's national identity?

I always thought that to be American meant to be white. Maybe this is because I was (and am) always surrounded by white people, I feel like they are the majority and I am the minority.

But that's false. In a few decades or maybe a century (provided the Earth still exists), whites are supposed to become a minority.

America was founded on a variety of cultures, races, and ethnicities coming together to found a new nation in which everyone can peacefully coexist. Is this the case? Not necessarily. But is it also the case that white people make up the epitome of all that is America? No.

The chancellor of Germany recently said that Germany will allow immigrants, but they must assimilate into German culture: learn German and adopt Christianity.

Perhaps Europe isn't entirely multiculturalism-friendly because it's Europe. In the words of NPR's Neal Conan, "Germany for the Germans, Italy for the Italians, France for the French."

But America's not supposed to be like that. America is made up of Germans, Italians, French, and so many more.

So why have I, up until now, thought otherwise?

If multiculturalism is such an integral cornerstone of America's foundation as a country, then why is it so difficult for the nation to accept it?

And what, then, is America's national identity?

Cute Kids

Post #80: Dedicated to: Speak Now; Taylor Swift

Kids are just so adorable.

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2010/10/27/i-got-to-babysit/

So adorable.

During my field placement today (a kindergarten classroom), I witnessed these conversations taking place:

Isaac: "Guess how tall I am? 35 feet tall!" (I'm fairly certain he meant to say inches, =D)

Isaac: "Oliver, how many inches are you?"

Oliver: "I'm not sure can you measure me?"

Isaac: "Sure! Stand up and I'll measure you!"

Oliver stands up, Isaac stretches his arms wide.

Isaac: "Umm....about...25 feet."

To which Joey brought up the fact that Oliver actually looked taller than Isaac. (And he is, by a good few inches).

So cute.

F.

Post #79: Dedicated to: The Ballad of You and I; Mêlée

Just saw Apocalypse Now for class. I could have lost all faith in mankind due to the Vietnam War. And now I'd just prefer to forget that I ever watched that. But it exists. But I'm going to pass over it. Maybe it's not something to be ignored, but it's not something I want to or can face at the moment.

The one thing I have most often seen in facebook and myspace "about me" sections is this: "I hate drama." And I always thought...well, I don't really know what I thought about these people. I thought it was completely unnecessary to tell the entire world that, though. I mean...really? You hate drama? And that's what you want everyone to know about you? And what kind of person do you have to be to write that on your profile? Do you constantly surround yourself with drama? Is that why you mention it so often?

For the first time, though, I think I fully realize how much I personally hate drama in my life. It causes so, so, so, so, so much unnecessary stress. And for such stupid reasons too. Freakin A.

There's Always Next Year

Post #78

The teams that do the best regular season always seem to fail to meet that caliber of talent and ability post-season. So sad. But there's always next year, right?

And now it's time for the Lake Show! (Game 1 of the season is Wednesday!) Threeeeee-peat, please!

It's a nice break from studying, reading, and life.

Dreamland

Post#77

I like to escape from the world by watching television, or watching chick flicks, or reading books. Because we all know life is nothing like an organized and orderly array of sweet (no)things.

It's probably not the smartest idea on earth - turn away from everything so you never have to face trouble, sadness, fear, or disappointment in the eye. But it's what I do.

Boston

Post #76: Dedicated to: Glee

This is adorable. Kids are adorable.

It's so windy outside.

The 'skirts are soon to be reunited in Boston, MA. Hello, lovely ladies!

Home soon.

H2O

Post #75: Dedicated to: the Philadelphia Phillies

Roy Halladay is a beast.

Here's to a looooong night ahead.

On the Board of Managers

Post #74

A Korean alum just donated $7.5 million to the school to build a new dorm.

Ready for occupancy fall of 2012, aka senior year!

Gotta love those Koreans. And Barney Stinson.

Hesitation

Post #73: Dedicated to: Freedom Writers

Is it just me who gets so emotionally charged and impacted when I see such a movie?

I don't even know where to start.

But I hesitate to write this here, because writing it here, in public, for everyone else's eyes to see, makes it seem fake. Yes, fake.

I can write it in my own personal journal, one only I will ever read, and I can keep alive this dream and hope, and it will be to me everything and anything I want it to be.

But if I write it here, then other people will read it. And they will interpret it and they will see it and they will think what they want of it. And that will change everything. It will change the meaning and it will change the original intention. It will make everything I wanted it to be, different. Worse. Fake. It will make it fake.

For a long time now, I've always fostered some fragment of an idea in my head, that I could change the world. And if not the world, then maybe just the lives of some people. A few. Just a few is all that matters. I don't know how, I don't know what, I don't know who, and I don't know where. All that I know is this is something that matters to me. Like Erin Gruwell of Freedom Writers. Maybe just like her, in education, as a teacher teaching students and changing lives. Showing them how much an education can change someone. How the future exists.

And naturally, that leads me to think of Teach for America. But how many fresh-out-of-an-ivy-league-college teachers succeed? How many of them go into their two years of teaching so full of hope and enthusiasm, and leave, tired and dejected? How many of them receive no support from the administration, coworkers, parents, or even students themselves? How many of them fail? I don't want to be another statistic. I don't want to fail. And maybe you have to fail and fail and fail to succeed, but not me.

No, this probably won't end up being my future. Will I work to make it so? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is, this has been a part of me. If you wanted to know my dream job, the one thing I could do if I could do anything in this world, it would be to do this. And to succeed.

What I Need

Post #72: Dedicated to: Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights was a great movie. A truly spectacular, perfect mix of emotion and everything else. Great movie.

It's the last day of September. It's also incredibly windy, rainy, humid, and muggy. I've come to realize that my moods really do reflect the weather. When it's a perfectly sunny, cool day, I'm so happy. And I have no reason to be happy - I just am. And the sun helps. But when it's a day like today...I just can't help but want to go to sleep to run away and escape the world.

D-, can I just say that I really appreciate the way you always reassure me? It's what I need.

I do a lot of listening. I listen to other people's problems. I empathize. I sympathize. I tell them, "aw...I'm so sorry...that sucks, but I promise it'll get better!" and so on and so forth. And after I listen to them, I tell them my problems, and they somehow always manage to brush it off and get the conversation back on them and their woes. Always. And that's not what I need.

When I tell you something bad, when I tell you something that's worrying me or causing me stress, just tell me that it's gonna be okay. Don't laugh at it. Don't laugh at me, or make me feel like an idiot for telling you anything. Tell me..."I'm sorry, that sucks, but I have total and complete faith in you and it's going to get better, I promise." Even if it might not really get better. Just tell me that. Reassure me. If I say I feel stupid in class, tell me that I'm not. Tell me I'm smart. If I tell you I feel ugly, tell me that I'm not. Tell me I'm beautiful. And tell me, "hey, even if things don't change, I'll love you for you, any day, every day. Have faith, because I have faith in you."

That's what I need.

¿Donde está el baño?

Post #71: dedicated to: You Belong Here; Anberlin

I live on a floor of 16-20 people. One bathroom. Three stalls of toilets, one urinal (with a door for privacy) and two showers.

Why, males, why, must you use the toilets, and then leave the seat up?

Foliage

Post #70: dedicated to: When We First Met; Hellogoodbye

I woke up this morning, looked out my window, and saw red leaves.

Hello, fall!

Loving

Post #69: dedicated to: She's Out of My League, Stephen Speaks

"It's her hair and her eyes today

that just simply take me away

and the feeling that I'm falling further in love

makes me shiver but in a good way.

All the times I have sat and stared

as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair

and she purses her lips, bats her eyes, as she plays

with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say.

'Cause I love her with all that I am,

and my voice shakes along with my hands.

'Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea,

but I'd rather be here than on land.

'Cause she's all that I see and she's all that I need

and I'm out of my league once again."

I want to fall in love.

I think I'm ready to fall in love.

Second Time

Post #68: Dedicated to High School Musical

"Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance."

Do you believe in second chances?

Abroad

Post #67: Dedicated to She's the Man

I so want to travel - right this minute.

I want to find myself in some strange, foreign land far away, armed with my camera and perhaps a guidebook or dictionary for simple words and phrases. I want to walk around in streets, stroll through parks, lay under the sun and read, sit at cafes and people watch, eat new food, sometimes delicious, sometimes not. I want to feel other cities, I want to experience different countries.

I so want to travel. Right now.

What Can You Do?

Post #66

Today is just one of those days.

I'm awkward. I make things awkward. I make people around me awkward. I make situations awkward.

I'm alone. I may be surrounded by people, but I'm lonely. At the end of the day, I'm alone.

I can't speak. I can't raise my hand in class. Everything I want to say, someone beats me to it. What I say is stupid. I'm stupid. I'm not brilliant.

I wish I was brilliant. I wish I wasn't awkward. I wish I didn't feel alone.

But I guess today is just one of those days.

Hercules

Post #65: Dedicated to: I Won't Say (I'm In Love); Hercules

At least,

out loud,

I won't say

I'm in love.

Too Much to Think About

Post #64: Dedicated to: Either Way; Guster

I have too much to think about, so maybe when it's here in writing it'll help me sort things out.

First of all,

To minor or to not minor in educational studies? The education class I would have to take this semester does not seem that fun...and it's a lot of work. A LOT of work. Too much work that I'd rather not invest my time in. And it's only going to get worse as the years go by...

Also, I don't even know if I want to teach. Right now, at this exact moment, I'd rather move to New York and work in publishing. But that's just right now...

Secondly,

I am a soprano, apparently. I auditioned for chamber singers tonight and the professor and I realized I have an incredibly clear high range. Like, that of a soprano 1, and not an alto 2. Yep. Oh, how I've been lied to all my life. Anyway...I'm not going to be accepted to chamber because I definitely don't have the classical training so far, but I'm glad I auditioned and learned this about myself. And the professor suggested I take private voice lessons, because had I had more training, I would be a complete shoo-in due to my good sight reading/tonal memory.

So I am considering voice lessons...but they're probably rather expensive, and where will that money come from??? Yeah. And say I did take lessons and auditioned again...I want to go abroad junior year, so the only full year I would be able to commit myself to chamber singers is senior year. All that work for just one year of singing? I don't know...but then again, I'd like to become a better singer in general, and this should help.

That leads me to third:

Money. And jobs. Should I take on another job? If I did, I'd definitely have more income to take private voice lessons and such. But do I have time for it? Especially now that I'm pitch of the Outskirts, with 5 hour a week rehearsals, and I'm already probably going to be working around 10 hours at the admissions office, and if I do take education, then 3 hours of fieldwork a week....plus obscene amounts of reading and writing for each class...

But extra money is always nice. Then I could go shopping. (Ha)

So yeah. Those are my dilemmas. And then there are always the usual boy problems. Boys suck. So if anyone has any, any, any words of advice, please shed them upon me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and I'm tired of thinking.

Home

Post #63: Dedicated to: Dynamite; Taio Cruz

I'm settled in...but not settled in. I can't wait until I can fully unpack and organize and clean. In some respects, yes, I'm like Monica from Friends.

The last two weeks have been so relaxing. My week in New Jersey - I believe - was the best week of my life. So far. It was just so, so, so much fun hanging out with G- and her friends, and tanning on the shore, and eating delicious food at Atlantic City or watching movies late into the night on the couch...it was such a great week.

Now I'm sitting here in my room that's supposed to be home for the next year...and I like it. Yes, I like it. It needs a little sprucing up...but this room is going to shape up quite nicely.

Welcome home.

It's So Hard

Post #62: Dedicated to: Someone to Watch Over Me, Asher Book

It's so hard to say good-bye. It's even harder the second time around.

This time last year, I couldn't wait to get out of here. I couldn't wait to spend a year out on my own in the unknown world of college in Pennsylvania.

This time, though, I've already spent and survived my first year. I loved it, no doubt, but I loved coming home. I loved staying home. I loved summer.

It's just so much harder to leave again. To leave my familiar home, my hard-working parents and aunt, my amazing friends...

But life goes on?

I'll be back.

Who Dat?

Post #61: Dedicated to: Just The Way You Are, Bruno Mars

No one is picking up their phone.

I'm a bit bummed. I feel like I was just left out in the cold. And while I'd like to be happy for her, as I rightly should, I feel betrayed and left alone.

On the other hand, New Orleans was a lot of fun. True, there were a lot of not so great times and I definitely learned a lot more about myself (Note to everyone: I was probably not fun to work with. I get too bossy and serious. Sorry!!) and sweat more than I ever have in my entire existence. But even so, it was a lot of fun. Last night particularly...for New Orleans during the summer wouldn't be New Orleans if we weren't randomly hit by rain and thunder and lightning! And the food....oooh myyyy gooooooshhh the food. Cajun style Louisiana soul food. Mm, mm, good. I'll remember this trip for a while.

But now I'm exhausted and my eyes are closing.

A Farewell

Post #60

"When I am gone, release me, let me go.

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn't tie yourself to me in tears,

Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave to you my love, you can only guess,

How much you gave to me in happiness.

I thank you for the love you each have shown,

But now it's time I travelled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must,

Then let your grief be comforted by trust.

It's only for a while that we must part,

So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away, for life goes on,

So if you need me, call and I will come.

Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near,

And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear

All my love around you, soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone,

I'll greet you with a smile and a

Welcome Home."

For all who have lost someone close, near, and dear to their hearts.

A beautiful message. A farewell.

In My Head

Post #59: Dedicated to: King of Anything, Sara Bareilles

In my head are thoughts and songs. In that order, in reverse, or sometimes mixed up.

When I'm quiet in the car, I'm thinking. When I'm quiet on the beach, I'm replaying a song in my head. When I'm pushing a grocery cart through the aisles, I'm humming under my breath. When I'm in my bed drifting off to sleep, I'm thinking and imagining and planning.

And when I'm thinking, I'm wondering. I'm wondering what the rest of the day will be like, I'm imagining scenarios in my head of what's going to happen. What if's run through my head every single day, and I imagine what I would say...what she would say, what he would say...what I would do, what he would do, how things would end up.

My mind is a never-ending train of thoughts. I never thought I was one with lots of imagination, but it turns out I am.

And so I ask, when the world is quiet...what's running through your mind? Or is it blank?

Reunions

Post #58

As I look through my old junior high school yearbook, I see the faces of some of my used-to-be closest friends.

You know, back when everyone was friends with everyone else, and everyone was just too young and innocent and harmless?

There's always that guy, the one who was really cute (in a babyish kind of way) and sat next to you in class and bugged you to no end, but secretly you liked the attention, because he was part of the very very small "popular" crowd that existed back then.

And fast forward to now, where said boy is not a nice boy. Well, no...I guess he very well could be, not that I'd ever know. But he doesn't do nice things, that's for sure, and he most definitely likes to have fun.

It's weird. Thinking of how all these people used to be. I've always thought that if tomorrow, I ran into some of my old, old friends, things would be the same. They'd act the same, as would I. But I'm realizing that's not the case, because we all change. We all grew up, and we're not the same young kids we used to be. Personalities have developed. Consciences emptied. Interests completely transformed. It's weird.

But then again, I feel like in time for our 10 year or even 15 year high school reunion, things would be back to normal. Maybe because by then, we'd all be mature (hopefully, that is) adults who had stable jobs and lives and didn't spend every day partying or lounging around doing nothing productive. Maybe it's just that now, we're all still teenagers, no matter how old we are, and are still just as immature as ever.

So I'd like to attend my reunions. And see how people have changed (or not changed). And see how many of my old friends remember my name.

Weddings

Post #57: Dedicated to: A Very Potter Musical

There's something about weddings. And wedding photography. And capturing in a photo the indescribable feeling of perfection that is love. True love.

So there's something that draws me to weddings. Down to every single detail - from the save the dates to the flower bouquet to the centerpieces - the world is beautiful.

How wonderful it would be to be a part of making someone's day, of making someone's world. How wonderful it would be to witness such love in action, promises and vows that don't go unnoticed.

I can't tell if this is me loving weddings because they're absolutely amazing and gorgeous, or if this is me loving weddings because I want to fall madly in love and plan my own amazing and gorgeous wedding someday.

But truth be told: I love weddings. And I love photography (although I may not be so great....yet...?) Would it be horrible and absolutely unrealistic and impractical if I considered wedding photography as a future? Or even as a hobby in the future. I feel like I've had bigger dreams - like becoming a published author, so this is just another goal to add to the bucket list.

And yet I hesitate.

Time

Post #56: Dedicated to: Somebody to Love, Justin Bieber

I feel like time is going by too quickly. As much as I want to be at school, I don't want to leave here. Time is passing too quickly, and everything's changing. I don't like change.

But I'm grateful for the YG fam.

Let the Son Shine

Post #55

This weekend was great. Truly, spectacularly, great.

I think I enjoyed being a counselor more than a camper, because it gave me license to be enthusiastic and loud at all times, and I think my campers appreciated that. (At least, I hope so! Ha.)

I'll admit, I was worried before, because:

1) I didn't know many of the new kids, and I didn't think they'd be...fun. Or nice. (Which they were.)

2) It was my first year as a counselor, and I really had no idea what to expect, or how I would act...how I would treat the kids and my position, etc.

But it was so great, and so worth it. It didn't really matter (it doesn't really matter) how my group placed in the end, because I'm pretty sure we all had a lot of fun. Especially as we were preparing our skit - we'd break out laughing as soon as A- started reciting his lines, because the whole thing was just so ridiculous. I hope my kids felt the same way I did. And I'm glad some of them came out of their shells.

As I was sitting in front of the fire Saturday night, listening to the stream of random, quiet, shy kids (full of surprises) come up and talk, to spill their hearts, I was awed. I was awed and in awe of the success that camp appeared to be, and how great, how truly amazing, these kids were. They're all good kids, deep down, and now I know. And now I know they'll try their hardest to be devoted to youth group, to coming out to church, and that's all we can ask for. And we pray their faith strengthens more and more as they grow up and mature.

I came into this weekend with no idea of what I would get out. And what I got out was priceless. I met and talked to so, so, so many amazing kids, and I had oodles of fun. Yes, oodles of fun.

(Also, D- and V-, I love you guys. Really. You bring out the best in me, and the laughter never stops when we're together.)

To so many more great summer memories to come.

Catch Some Z's

Post #54: Dedicated to: The Road, by Cormac McCarthy

I have major, major, major sleeping issues. Like...last night, I slept about...9-10 hours. Which you'd think would be plenty, right? Wrong.

Today, I tutored someone in algebra 2 for two hours, then proceeded to the parking lot of the library only to find that my car's battery was dead. Yeah. Great times. So then we waited for AAA to come and jump-start it. And all was well. So it was kind of sort of a long day.

Then I came home, ate, did nothing for a little bit...and...*drumroll please*

...headed back to sleep.

For five hours. Five. Hours.

Like I said, I have sleeping issues. That I need to work on for the school year, otherwise I'm just going to go crazy. Or I'll already be crazy. Preferably...neither.

Dream

Post #53: Dedicated to: We'll Be a Dream; We the Kings

Do you remember the nights we'd

stay up just laughing,

smiling for hours

at anything?

Remember the nights we

drove around crazy

in love?

Too Soon

Post #52: Dedicated to: Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld

It's July.

It's July?!?!?!?!?!?

I have been home for almost two whole months now...and time is going by crazy fast. Too fast. Wayy, toooo fast.

At the same time, though, I can't wait to be back at school. Every once in a while, I'm hit with a sudden homesickness. The smell of a certain day...the feeling of hitting the bed after a long day...the walk in the sunshine to work...the working at the library until wee hours of the morning...I miss it. So much so that I feel like school is my home. This home, the home where I'm at now, is my second home. Strange? At least it'll make it easier to adapt to living on the East Coast, right?

Anyway, it's been two months and I haven't accomplished any of the things I want to do. Furthermore, (I feel like I'm writing an English paper. I was about to use the word "moreover," but decided "furthermore" would be more...colloquial. If at all) my plans are changing. Plans for the school year.

For example: I was going to take Tonal Harmony I - a class in which I would need substantial piano skills. That I don't currently have. So seeing as how my mother used to be a piano teacher and all, I thought I'd re-learn how to play. Especially my left hand, aka the bass clef. But I haven't touched a piano since I got home, because I don't think I'm going to be taking this class anymore. Still...better to be safe than sorry, right? so I should learn? Just in case?

Example #2: I thought I would be joining orchestra in the fall. And, since I haven't played violin in over a year, I really need to brush up on my skills. And practice a song and some scales to audition with. Have I touched my violin since I got home? Why, yes. Once. And I'm not so sure anymore that I want to join orchestra. But again, I really don't know...and it's better to start practicing now just in case...right?

Boy. What an unproductive summer. (In terms of my personal goals.) My writing is significantly slowing down, to the point where it's a good day if I add a few sentences to the story. A bad day would be me not even opening the document. Which, when you add it all up...it's generally always pretty much a bad day.

I've got one more month left to make it all count. And I will. Make. It. All. Count.

Because it's going to be the one last final summer I have. I'm going to make my future happen, no matter what.

p.s. If anyone can find me a poster print of the CA picture, I would love you forever and a day.

Here and There

Post #51

There are people you know you're going to stay friends with your whole life. People who will be your bridesmaids at your wedding. People whose children are going to play with your children.

And then there are people you know are inevitably going to leave your life. Not that you mind. They might return...but they always leave in the end.

Ah. There's one more. The one where you don't care. You couldn't care less whether or not you stayed friends forever. Either way...same difference.

But you know what?

Friendship is a two way street.

You want to stay friends? You make the effort to stay friends. Don't leave it all in the hands of someone else. You take control of your life. You stay in touch. Not me, not her, not them, you.

And if after a few months apart, you think I've disappeared from your life...you have no one to blame but yourself. Because you never tried.

Backstreet's Back

Post #50: Dedicated to This is Us; Backstreet Boys

There was a point today when I stopped to take a picture, I stopped to raise my hands in the air and wave them around, I stopped so I could scream like a little girl...

and I thought to myself,

This is it. This is us. This is life. This is what it should be like.

It was wonderful and it filled me from my head to my toes.

The Moon Shines Bright

Post #49: Dedicated to: We Might as Well be Strangers; Keane

The moon looked beautiful tonight. At 8 p.m. - before it rose all the way to take its place in the sky. It was huge, it was close, and it was beautiful.

It still amazes me how the moon will look exactly the same no matter where you are in the world. Everyone finds the same moon looking down on the world. Everyone's looking up at the same moon shining bright. I love that full moon.

And a world without a moon would truly be a dark night.

p.s. I worry too much.

The Now

Post #48: Dedicated to: Waiting for You, by Susane Colasanti

Sometimes I can't help but feel left out.

I don't think it's fair of me to feel that way.

And yet I do.

Then sometimes I wish things would go back to the way they used to be.

Back in the day, when everything was simply dandy.

I wish things would just stay the same, and never change.

What Matters Most

Post #47

I've always wondered what kind of mother I would become.

Having grown up the way I did...am I going to follow down the same path? Am I going to make the same mistakes, the same successes my own parents did? I'm not sure that it's what I want. They did a lot of things right, but they did a lot of things wrong, too, as any other parent in this world.

Mostly, I'm scared I won't be a good mother. I'm scared I'm going to hear my kids tell me they hate me. I'm scared I'm going to end up with a spoiled brat as a daughter and a rebellious high school dropout as a son.

But I don't want to force my future kids into things...like I was? But I want them to have the best opportunities, I want them to have everything I didn't. What's that going to take? I want them to be smart, I want them to get into good colleges so they can have good jobs and live happy, relaxing lives without having to worry about financial problems. I want them to be talented...maybe in music, or sports, or arts...I just want too much out of my unborn kids. What if I'm disappointed? What if I end up with nothing more than an average child? What, then? What if he, what if she, isn't everything I dreamed of, and more?

I hate it when people tell me what kind of mom I'll be. C- tells me my kids will hate me. He says I'd be the type of mother that makes them study 24/7 with no lives whatsoever. He says yeah, I'll be a good mother...but not in that way. My kids are going to "hate" me. Well, then. Please don't make those kinds of assumptions about me and my life. You have no idea.

I think I want to have kids. I think. I don't know if I'll ever be prepared to make so many mistakes, though. I just don't know.

But I guess we're all just kind of winging it.

Pros and Cons

Post #46: Dedicated to: Don't Judge a Girl by her Cover, by Ally Carter

There's no excuse for me being up so late. Such an irregular sleeping pattern...something's gotta change.

Anyway, the pros and cons of reading books. Or a series of books. And not just any kind of book. The girly, chick-flick-esque, makes your heart melt kind of book.

Con: The waiting. You have to wait for the next book to come out. And of course, the last book is always dangling off the edge of a cliff. Or, you know, a cliffhanger. I should know better than anyone...you can't rush good writing! (and good publishing, for that matter.) But still, doesn't stop me from wanting to rack authors' brains, and find out what they have in mind for their characters. Especially when the next book won't come out for another year. And when you want to wait yet another year for the book to be released in paperback. Darn you, bad economy and wanting to save money.

Pro: The reading. The aforementioned - makes your heart melt, makes you think perhaps one day you'll be her, makes you want to fall head over heels in love and live happily ever after, makes you believe in every single fairytale known to mankind (and then some), makes you feel mushy and gushy and gooey and any other word ending in -y, makes those butterflies rage around in your stomach like you're actually experiencing what's happening, makes you think these things really do exist and can happen to me - kind of reading. Yeah.

Con: The number of books. It's great if it's a sequel. Even better if it's a trilogy. I'll even take a four book series. (Do they have a name for that?) But 8? 11?? And still more to come?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously. It's a little too much. It's great, don't get me wrong - and I'm sure the story couldn't have been condensed into something smaller...but still. Like I said before, I really wish the author would just tell me everything that isn't going to happen so I won't have an aneurysm trying to figure it out. What can I say? I'm a naturally impatient person...in some aspects of my life. Like this one.

Pro: The imagination. The fact that I'm so lost in this book, I feel like I am that spy-in-training at Gallagher Academy, going on secret missions, sneaking out of the mansion to dig up some more dirt, lost in the world of trying to figure out who I can trust, and who I am. The fact that reading about this, living in this life, makes me wonder if there really isn't a school like Gallagher Academy for Exceptional Young Woman somewhere in the world, in present day. I am someone who sucks at imagining things beyond the scope of what I know. So I marvel at things like this...and I marvel...how in the world do people come up with these stories?? It's amazing.

I'd write some more...but maybe another time. All I know is right now, right this moment, I wish I had all of the books in the series (especially the ones only locked up in Ally Carter's brain), so I could lay to rest the story of Cammie Morgan, and Cammie and Zach, and what truly happened to Cammie's father (who I firmly believe is still alive).

I love reading. I really do. And when the story's like this, I can't complain. But sometimes I wonder...if I hadn't always been such an avid reader of young adult/chick-lit novels, would I be the same person? Would I hold the same expectations as I do now for my life, my love life, my personality, my needs/wants/goals/desires? Would I be a hopeless romantic, still waiting for my Prince Charming to knock me off my feet?

On another note: my teeth hurt. I think (no, I pray) it's because those Crest Whitening Strips really do make them sensitive, after all. Otherwise...it's a trip to the dreaded dentist's office for me! More cavities, no doubt in my mind. I really hate dentists. Or teeth. Or just my teeth, or the genetics that gave me these teeth.

An Update

Post #45: Dedicated to: Summerland

10 hour workdays are kinda killer. And standing up for those entire 10 hours makes my feet hurt.

Still waiting for calls from stores about employment. But in the meantime, you can find me at Tee Plus, inputting numbers and prices and descriptions into the new program my Dad's trying to set up. Today, I finished half of the hats. Half. Of. The. Hats. It is going to take so long to input everything for every item in that store...

But it's okay! Hard work pays off. Literally.

Renovations for my room and closet are currently on hold.

Dear God

Post #44: Dedicated to: Everything; Lifehouse

It gets me every time.

But today, I think I finally get it.

Because "you're all I need."

Cool Down

Post #43

These twice a day posts are too much.

Working out is cooling down, and cooling down is slowing my emotions. You run, you think, you cool off. For someone with such a quick temper, I need that in my life.

T-:

Sometimes I hate you. I can't stand the fact that we're related, that we came from the same womb, that you are older and I am younger. Sometimes I wonder if you're adopted - and then I wonder if I'm adopted.

When will you stop being so selfish? When will you stop being so lazy? When will you stop spending our parents' hard-earned money with no qualms whatsoever? When will you start sharing, start putting aside your own feelings, start sacrificing your time for others? When?

You take thousand dollar trips to foreign countries each summer, while I worry about finding a job to support myself. You're sleeping on the couch in your boxers while I wake up early to help Mom open the store. You're still sleeping when I get back. You refuse to pick me up from a friend's house that is a one minute drive away - while you sit at home playing world of warcraft. It's too much.

T-, sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I can't stand you. I have to love you because you're family, but I don't like you. I wouldn't be your friend, now that I know what you're really like.

You're 20 years old. Act like it.

Too hot to live

Post #42: Dedicated to: Dream a Little Dream of Me; The Mamas and the Papas

Mm.