Here and There

Post #51

There are people you know you're going to stay friends with your whole life. People who will be your bridesmaids at your wedding. People whose children are going to play with your children.

And then there are people you know are inevitably going to leave your life. Not that you mind. They might return...but they always leave in the end.

Ah. There's one more. The one where you don't care. You couldn't care less whether or not you stayed friends forever. Either way...same difference.

But you know what?

Friendship is a two way street.

You want to stay friends? You make the effort to stay friends. Don't leave it all in the hands of someone else. You take control of your life. You stay in touch. Not me, not her, not them, you.

And if after a few months apart, you think I've disappeared from your life...you have no one to blame but yourself. Because you never tried.

Backstreet's Back

Post #50: Dedicated to This is Us; Backstreet Boys

There was a point today when I stopped to take a picture, I stopped to raise my hands in the air and wave them around, I stopped so I could scream like a little girl...

and I thought to myself,

This is it. This is us. This is life. This is what it should be like.

It was wonderful and it filled me from my head to my toes.

The Moon Shines Bright

Post #49: Dedicated to: We Might as Well be Strangers; Keane

The moon looked beautiful tonight. At 8 p.m. - before it rose all the way to take its place in the sky. It was huge, it was close, and it was beautiful.

It still amazes me how the moon will look exactly the same no matter where you are in the world. Everyone finds the same moon looking down on the world. Everyone's looking up at the same moon shining bright. I love that full moon.

And a world without a moon would truly be a dark night.

p.s. I worry too much.

The Now

Post #48: Dedicated to: Waiting for You, by Susane Colasanti

Sometimes I can't help but feel left out.

I don't think it's fair of me to feel that way.

And yet I do.

Then sometimes I wish things would go back to the way they used to be.

Back in the day, when everything was simply dandy.

I wish things would just stay the same, and never change.

What Matters Most

Post #47

I've always wondered what kind of mother I would become.

Having grown up the way I did...am I going to follow down the same path? Am I going to make the same mistakes, the same successes my own parents did? I'm not sure that it's what I want. They did a lot of things right, but they did a lot of things wrong, too, as any other parent in this world.

Mostly, I'm scared I won't be a good mother. I'm scared I'm going to hear my kids tell me they hate me. I'm scared I'm going to end up with a spoiled brat as a daughter and a rebellious high school dropout as a son.

But I don't want to force my future kids into things...like I was? But I want them to have the best opportunities, I want them to have everything I didn't. What's that going to take? I want them to be smart, I want them to get into good colleges so they can have good jobs and live happy, relaxing lives without having to worry about financial problems. I want them to be talented...maybe in music, or sports, or arts...I just want too much out of my unborn kids. What if I'm disappointed? What if I end up with nothing more than an average child? What, then? What if he, what if she, isn't everything I dreamed of, and more?

I hate it when people tell me what kind of mom I'll be. C- tells me my kids will hate me. He says I'd be the type of mother that makes them study 24/7 with no lives whatsoever. He says yeah, I'll be a good mother...but not in that way. My kids are going to "hate" me. Well, then. Please don't make those kinds of assumptions about me and my life. You have no idea.

I think I want to have kids. I think. I don't know if I'll ever be prepared to make so many mistakes, though. I just don't know.

But I guess we're all just kind of winging it.

Pros and Cons

Post #46: Dedicated to: Don't Judge a Girl by her Cover, by Ally Carter

There's no excuse for me being up so late. Such an irregular sleeping pattern...something's gotta change.

Anyway, the pros and cons of reading books. Or a series of books. And not just any kind of book. The girly, chick-flick-esque, makes your heart melt kind of book.

Con: The waiting. You have to wait for the next book to come out. And of course, the last book is always dangling off the edge of a cliff. Or, you know, a cliffhanger. I should know better than anyone...you can't rush good writing! (and good publishing, for that matter.) But still, doesn't stop me from wanting to rack authors' brains, and find out what they have in mind for their characters. Especially when the next book won't come out for another year. And when you want to wait yet another year for the book to be released in paperback. Darn you, bad economy and wanting to save money.

Pro: The reading. The aforementioned - makes your heart melt, makes you think perhaps one day you'll be her, makes you want to fall head over heels in love and live happily ever after, makes you believe in every single fairytale known to mankind (and then some), makes you feel mushy and gushy and gooey and any other word ending in -y, makes those butterflies rage around in your stomach like you're actually experiencing what's happening, makes you think these things really do exist and can happen to me - kind of reading. Yeah.

Con: The number of books. It's great if it's a sequel. Even better if it's a trilogy. I'll even take a four book series. (Do they have a name for that?) But 8? 11?? And still more to come?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously. It's a little too much. It's great, don't get me wrong - and I'm sure the story couldn't have been condensed into something smaller...but still. Like I said before, I really wish the author would just tell me everything that isn't going to happen so I won't have an aneurysm trying to figure it out. What can I say? I'm a naturally impatient person...in some aspects of my life. Like this one.

Pro: The imagination. The fact that I'm so lost in this book, I feel like I am that spy-in-training at Gallagher Academy, going on secret missions, sneaking out of the mansion to dig up some more dirt, lost in the world of trying to figure out who I can trust, and who I am. The fact that reading about this, living in this life, makes me wonder if there really isn't a school like Gallagher Academy for Exceptional Young Woman somewhere in the world, in present day. I am someone who sucks at imagining things beyond the scope of what I know. So I marvel at things like this...and I marvel...how in the world do people come up with these stories?? It's amazing.

I'd write some more...but maybe another time. All I know is right now, right this moment, I wish I had all of the books in the series (especially the ones only locked up in Ally Carter's brain), so I could lay to rest the story of Cammie Morgan, and Cammie and Zach, and what truly happened to Cammie's father (who I firmly believe is still alive).

I love reading. I really do. And when the story's like this, I can't complain. But sometimes I wonder...if I hadn't always been such an avid reader of young adult/chick-lit novels, would I be the same person? Would I hold the same expectations as I do now for my life, my love life, my personality, my needs/wants/goals/desires? Would I be a hopeless romantic, still waiting for my Prince Charming to knock me off my feet?

On another note: my teeth hurt. I think (no, I pray) it's because those Crest Whitening Strips really do make them sensitive, after all. Otherwise...it's a trip to the dreaded dentist's office for me! More cavities, no doubt in my mind. I really hate dentists. Or teeth. Or just my teeth, or the genetics that gave me these teeth.

An Update

Post #45: Dedicated to: Summerland

10 hour workdays are kinda killer. And standing up for those entire 10 hours makes my feet hurt.

Still waiting for calls from stores about employment. But in the meantime, you can find me at Tee Plus, inputting numbers and prices and descriptions into the new program my Dad's trying to set up. Today, I finished half of the hats. Half. Of. The. Hats. It is going to take so long to input everything for every item in that store...

But it's okay! Hard work pays off. Literally.

Renovations for my room and closet are currently on hold.

Dear God

Post #44: Dedicated to: Everything; Lifehouse

It gets me every time.

But today, I think I finally get it.

Because "you're all I need."

Cool Down

Post #43

These twice a day posts are too much.

Working out is cooling down, and cooling down is slowing my emotions. You run, you think, you cool off. For someone with such a quick temper, I need that in my life.

T-:

Sometimes I hate you. I can't stand the fact that we're related, that we came from the same womb, that you are older and I am younger. Sometimes I wonder if you're adopted - and then I wonder if I'm adopted.

When will you stop being so selfish? When will you stop being so lazy? When will you stop spending our parents' hard-earned money with no qualms whatsoever? When will you start sharing, start putting aside your own feelings, start sacrificing your time for others? When?

You take thousand dollar trips to foreign countries each summer, while I worry about finding a job to support myself. You're sleeping on the couch in your boxers while I wake up early to help Mom open the store. You're still sleeping when I get back. You refuse to pick me up from a friend's house that is a one minute drive away - while you sit at home playing world of warcraft. It's too much.

T-, sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I can't stand you. I have to love you because you're family, but I don't like you. I wouldn't be your friend, now that I know what you're really like.

You're 20 years old. Act like it.

Too hot to live

Post #42: Dedicated to: Dream a Little Dream of Me; The Mamas and the Papas

Mm.

Mind & Body

Post #41: Dedicated to: Coffee Prince

In keeping with the "being-my-best-self" theme...

Being physically fit. Not being lazy. Not sleeping in past...noon, or even 11. Sleeping early, waking up early, and going for a run. Lifting weights. Swimming. Strength exercises. Eating regularly, eating healthily.

I say this ever summer. Heck, I say this every break I get...oh, when I'm home, I'll have to work out. Oh, this summer, I promise I'll exercise.

No more putting things off. No more procrastinating on my own self, my own body. This is going to be the summer. It's my one and only most important summer goal.

On another note...

How much longer am I going to have to put up with you? How many more insults am I going to have to endure? Once upon a time, you were the sole occupant on my "people I would like to run over, then back up and run over again" list. Now I'm wondering why you were ever taken off.

I say nothing to you. I leave you absolutely, completely, 100% alone. I refrain from commenting on your pictures or your wall, because your reply is going to be an insult. Your reply will be some offensive, rude, belittling, snide, disrespectful comment that's going to hurt my feelings, no matter what I might pretend. Will you just give it a rest? Why do I put up with you?

I've forgiven you in my mind, time and time again. This endless cycle can only happen for so long...I'm getting sick of pretending to be your friend. Give it up, A-. Next time, I'm saying this to your face. Because I'm done taking your crap.

Summer cooking

Post #40

I like following directions and measurements (accurately, not exactly. a little over or a little less here and there is no problem with me!), pre-heating, then timing whatever's sitting in the oven.

I like following the rules.

It's down to an exact science, but it's not a science. 1 and a half cups could mean 1 and a half cups...and half a teaspoon extra that was accidentally included. It's not a science. It's flexible.

I like flexible.