I felt so discouraged on my way home today. I know it's only my second day, but I haven't really been introduced or given an overview of exactly what I should be doing at any moment. I mean, they handed me an old (as in, was written on because it belonged to an old intern) intern handbook to read over, and while it had lots of information in it, I have no idea if that's what I should be doing. I don't know if I should pick up the phone, what to say if I do pick up the phone, whether or not to check the email account, what to do if I have nothing to do, whether I should sit in a chair and twiddle my thumbs...
Then I feel stupid, because it makes me feel like I should be taking initiative and doing these things on my own. Is that what everyone expects of me? I have no idea. So I just sit there feeling useless.
And to top it all off, I was paired to work with one of the most difficult kids during the afternoon tutoring session. Seriously, this little third grader just would not do his work or stay in his seat, something my boss told him repeatedly to do. Then I thought I would get into trouble because my boss told me not to let him get up, but he'd get up anyway and not do his homework, making me look like a bad babysitter. Is it me? Should I have been stricter right off the bat so he listened? I can't remember if yesterday he was acting just as badly...
But yeah. Suffice to say, by the time I left, I was feeling pretty down and incompetent. I feel like I'm letting my boss down, and worst of all I'm letting myself down. I don't like that.
To top it all off, I feel exhausted. I'm not ready for real-life workdays yet. I leave my house around 8, 8:30 to get there by 10. I get out around 5:30 or 6, and then get home (ever so slowly) anywhere from 7-8. Almost 12-hour workdays here. I'm feeling like I've got no time in my life anymore. And ha, it's only been the second day.
The thing is, this organization and the programs they put on are absolutely amazing. The mornings are taken up by field trips where grade schoolers and middle schoolers come in to the writing lab to co-write a story that we publish (print and bind), all in about two hours. The kids are hilarious and they have so much fun, and it's such a great way to get them writing and thinking creatively. And I'm sure the after school tutoring is very helpful for some students, especially those who need the extra one-on-one attention and a safe place to be and work and such.
So this is probably a lot of me whining. But hopefully things will get better, and soon. Cheers to that.
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