Overlwhelmingly

Post #210

Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me. They overwhelm my identity.

I wish I was stronger.

Easier said than done.

Le Pen

Post #209: Dedicated to: Not Over You; Gavin Degraw

I'm with V-. I'm a pen snob. (I'm also kind of a friend snob, but that is a story for another time.) My favorite pen is one my friend gifted to me for high school graduation – a jetstream uniball. I like it so much, I bought ink refills off ebay. It writes so, so smoothly with just the perfect amount of ink – not so inky that it bleeds through notebook paper, but not so ballpoint-y that the ink is spotty. Perfect ratio.

I've also become of fan of "le pen". It's a bit like a sharpie pen - a little more marker-y than a normal ballpoint - and its pretty great. And there are a ton of different colors. A little pricey, yes, but I am more than willing to invest in quality writing utensils. You should, too.

Creative Industries

Post #208: Dedicated to: The Best Love Song; T-Pain & Chris Brown

"The point of education should not be to inculcate a body of knowledge, but to develop capabilities: the basic ones of literacy and numeracy as well as the capability to act responsibly towards others, to take initiative and to work creatively and collaboratively. The most important capability, and one which traditional education is worst at creating, is the ability and yearning to carry on learning. Too much schooling kills off the desire to learn."

- Charles Leadbeater, 1999

Things are looking up, my friends.

My Mama

Post #207

My mom is too cute. I skyped with her earlier telling her that my wallet was stolen (not everything else that happened) and was still a little sniffly and teary-eyed from being so frustrated at everything. In any case, I just got this email from her:

Clara!

You look very sad.

But you are better than your brother.

He lost his computer, wallet and drivers license, school ID and debit card, too

We didn't lose you. HaHa!

If I get your new debit card, I WILL SEND YOU!!!!!

Have a good night! Clara:)

Mom

And Here We Go

Post #206

Sorry I have been so MIA lately. It's been crazy getting adjusted (ish), losing my luggage (both suitcases successfully here!) and all. But now I'm okay. I think.

I've also finally decided I'm going to start a new, separate study abroad blog. (I'll share the link for that here soon enough...when I actually start it...) I thought about just using this blog and writing new, study abroad-related posts...but then decided that some of the stuff here is just too personal that I don't want everyone reading.

But anyway...I had a frustrating day today. Well, just a frustrating couple of hours. I was lugging my 50lb suitcase and a huge bag (it probably weighs more than my suitcase, is giant and blue and an IKEA bag) of books for my classes and walking to the train station with my housemates. My housemates ended up ditching me - although whether that was accidental, a misunderstanding, or intentional, I don't know - and I lugged all my stuff on to the train by myself only to realize once I sat down that the front pocket of my backpack was open, and my wallet missing. Yeah. I have to say, sitting at the bus stop alone, with a stolen wallet, a suitcase, and a huge bag of books, waiting for the bus to arrive was the loneliest I've felt in a long time.

And yes, I realize that although Copenhagen is a very safe city, pickpocketing does indeed happen. I'm sure I was quite an easy target, though - both hands full with so much heavy stuff, and just a backpack with no one around me. (I can't help but think that if my housemates were there, this wouldn't have happened...) But at least nothing too important was in there - just around $20 USD, debit card, license, school ID...all things replaceable. Thank the Lord that my Dad made me change a lot of cash to kroner before coming - and that it was all in my suitcase, NOT my wallet. In any case, it was a frustrating/annoying experience, and I curse myself for being so stupid.

Moving on to my housemates...it's only the 2nd day, and I seem to have made new friends. At least, there's a group of people that I hang out with - walk to and from places, etc - and enjoy talking to...but it seems that all of those people very much like to party. Like, I want to get trashed and shit-faced. As in, came abroad for the sole purpose of partying. And not just partying, but doing other...shall we say, frowned upon, things (that they all seem to have tried before). Aaaand...well, that's just not something I'm into, or want to be around. (Also, definitely strictly prohibited not only in the study abroad program, but also the country.) So I'm not sure where things will be headed - if I turn down every offer to go party (which I obviously won't - I'll have a good time when I want to have a good time), I feel that it will isolate me, but I don't want to be around frowned upon things in the least. I don't know. I definitely value my education and am going to take my classes seriously and equally as importantly, I plan on having a good time - even if that good time doesn't involve getting inebriated. I'm really not here just to waste my money on alcohol and other such things.

I hope, though, that if the opportunity arises, I will tell them these things and they will respect my decisions not to partake in all that they do. Or else...I'm going to have to find some new friends.

Psychitude

Post #205 Dedicated to: Bullet with Butterfly Wings; Smashing Pumpkins

It is crazy to think that in a mere 48 hours, I will be on a plane to Copenhagen.

Goodbyes

Post #204: Dedicated to: The Guardian

I hate leaving, and I hate leaving people behind. I think a lot of it is just for pure selfish reasons. It pains me to think that everyone's lives will go on just the same, even though I'm not there. (I know. Totally selfish and self-centered!) Or more so than that...it hurts to know that I am so easily replaceable.

It's just so easy to fall into a habit of things and not change...so a part of me is slowly growing more and more terrified of going to Copenhagen. Excited, sure, because I'll be traveling and meeting new people, but terrified because...what if it's not all it's cracked up to be? What if I hate it? What if I hate where I live, the people I live with? What if I get so homesick I can't enjoy Denmark? What if I don't fit in? What if I make no friends? What if, what if, what if...??

It would be so much easier to stay in my comfort zone, go to H-ford again in the fall, and continue my usual routines just like I've been doing for the past two years.

But no. It's a test of my strength and courage to face new challenges in a new world. So I'll be going. But I won't be saying good-bye, only "see ya later!"

(And please don't forget about me.)

A Week

Post #203: Dedicated to: Little Lion Man; Mumford & Sons

It was a long weekend, long and exhausting but totally and completely worth everything. I'll be honest, I was most definitely surprised at how praise night turned out. After hearing about all the haters and seeing how our kids reacted to the first half, I thought to myself, "Ugh. I just want this to be over. Then I don't have to worry about it ever again, and I can finally be done with it."

But then the second half came and went, and God's good grace taught everyone (including me) a lesson once again. It was beautiful, it really was. Even if only one heart in the entire crowd felt a touch of God's presence, even if it was only one person who laid it all down and surrendered, I consider it a job well done. For just one person – it was all worth it, and more.

I know I worried a lot, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. And we will do it again, next year, just the same. Only each time will be better than the last.

It's my last day at work tomorrow. Somehow, this summer just worked. Everything fit in and everything turned out fine – even better than fine. And yet, I wonder if I could have done things differently.

Drumroll, Please

Post #202: Dedicated to: The Book Thief; by Markus Zusak

There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother titled "Drumroll, Please." It dealt with everything leading up to a great, spectacular moment, but not the actual moment. Just the drumroll, and nothing more. Sometimes I think that's how it should be - all of the excitement, butterflies, wonderful feelings leading up to something big or something small...but only that. It should stop there. Because more oftentimes than not, whatever it is is a disappointment. Who needs disappointment? Only the perfect, perfect drumroll. And just a drumroll, please.

Some Things Never Change

Post #201

I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried and tried and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, but nothing's changed. Nothing has changed. I don't know why I thought things would be different this summer. I don't know why I expected him to change, or me to change. Some things never change, and some people never change. Sometimes I will always just hate my brother. I might have to love him because he's family, but I will never ever like him. Sometimes I will hate him. It pains me to say that, but I can't bring myself to be anything else, to do anything more. I just can't. So I'm just going to sit here and hate him, then hate myself for being this way.

Two Hundred

Post #200: Dedicated to: A Northern Light; by Jennifer Donnelly

For some strange reason, my blog thinks it's on EST. And I can't figure out how to change it. Oh well. But it is currently 11:44 p.m., not whatever absurd time this blog claims it is!

Happy August! And happy 200th post!

Kismet

Post #199: Dedicated to: Melody; Kate Earl

Somebody find me my soulmate.