Hesitation

Post #73: Dedicated to: Freedom Writers

Is it just me who gets so emotionally charged and impacted when I see such a movie?

I don't even know where to start.

But I hesitate to write this here, because writing it here, in public, for everyone else's eyes to see, makes it seem fake. Yes, fake.

I can write it in my own personal journal, one only I will ever read, and I can keep alive this dream and hope, and it will be to me everything and anything I want it to be.

But if I write it here, then other people will read it. And they will interpret it and they will see it and they will think what they want of it. And that will change everything. It will change the meaning and it will change the original intention. It will make everything I wanted it to be, different. Worse. Fake. It will make it fake.

For a long time now, I've always fostered some fragment of an idea in my head, that I could change the world. And if not the world, then maybe just the lives of some people. A few. Just a few is all that matters. I don't know how, I don't know what, I don't know who, and I don't know where. All that I know is this is something that matters to me. Like Erin Gruwell of Freedom Writers. Maybe just like her, in education, as a teacher teaching students and changing lives. Showing them how much an education can change someone. How the future exists.

And naturally, that leads me to think of Teach for America. But how many fresh-out-of-an-ivy-league-college teachers succeed? How many of them go into their two years of teaching so full of hope and enthusiasm, and leave, tired and dejected? How many of them receive no support from the administration, coworkers, parents, or even students themselves? How many of them fail? I don't want to be another statistic. I don't want to fail. And maybe you have to fail and fail and fail to succeed, but not me.

No, this probably won't end up being my future. Will I work to make it so? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is, this has been a part of me. If you wanted to know my dream job, the one thing I could do if I could do anything in this world, it would be to do this. And to succeed.