Happiness & the Future

Post #8: Dedicated to: Kris Allen, I Need to Know

I'm scared.

The future's always looming in front of me, and I have no idea what to do with it, what path to take.

Do I know what I want to do with my life?

Can I do what I want to do?

The plan's always been to get summer internship after internship in New York City, then land some fantastic job at a famous publishing house. It's idealized in my head; I'm lying to myself. I think it's going to be perfect. I'm going to be great at said internships, spend summers living in New York - never mind ridiculously expensive housing I don't even know how I'm going to get a hold of. I'm going to have the perfect job, the perfect apartment, the perfect life. Here's the reality of it: I'll be working my ass off for long hours, horrible pay, and a tiny apartment I share with rats, simply because it's the only one I can afford. Life's not going to be a breeze. Get it in your head, C.

And on top of that all, I'll be alone. Alone in New York City. Everyone's going back to California...no one wants to go for it in New York. No one but me.

Is it worth it all? I just want to be happy. I thought a publishing career would make me happy. But now I don't even know anymore...what is it? What is it going to take to make me happy for the rest of my life?

"What you do in your life is only half of the equation. More importantly it's who you're with while doing it."

Is it worth it to try to make it in NYC all alone? Maybe I'll make friends, maybe I'll find my circle, my niche. And maybe not. Maybe I'll come home from work everyday, exhausted, microwave myself some tv dinner, then go to sleep, only to fall into the same routine day after day, week after week.

I'm scared. It's scary. I've never been more unsure of anything in my life. And I need to know.