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Post #37

I should have stayed on the east coast for the summer. Away from my parents.

Most parents want their children to get a job. Most parents want their children to learn the value of a dollar. Most parents want their children to understand what it means to work for what you want.

Not mine. All my father wants? For me to study. Yes, study. Study study study study study study study study every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year for the rest of my life. I feel like I have this constant pressure breathing down my neck. A 3.7 isn't good enough, no. That's preposterous. Anything under a 4.0?!? Get out.

I want to scream and cry, because my father won't listen to me. He hears me, but he won't listen. He tells me experience in retail means nothing. Oh, like I won't be learning and growing as an independent person and experiencing life in new ways.

No, I don't want to be brilliant something. I don't want to be a brilliant doctor, I don't want to be a brilliant lawyer. I want a fairly modest profession. If I told my parents I wanted to be a teacher, they'd tell me to go to graduate school, get a PhD, and teach university students. But kindergarten? I'd be letting someone down. I'd be disappointing someone. It's not good enough, it's not smart enough. What are you doing with an expensive college education just to be a teacher?

But whatever my father says, he thinks is law. No, I can't paint my room walls (MY ROOM WALLS.) No, I can't get a second ear piercing. No, I can't work for extra spending money I know my parents don't have, no matter what they might say. I'm so angry and so frustrated. Words can't describe it. UGH. Guess this isn't the best time to be writing this, because I'm probably extremely irrational right now. But then again maybe that's the best time to be writing this. That's exactly the purpose of a blog, anyway, right?

I know my parents want me to have a better life than they did. I know they just want what's best for me. But sometimes they don't always know what's best for me. Maybe I want to be the black sheep in the household and run away, live on my own and cut off all ties from my family. I thought going to a college far far far far away on the east coast would cut it, but clearly it doesn't. All throughout high school I just wanted to get away. And I worked my butt off to do so. It's just not far enough.

As much as I love my friends, no one can relate. They get along fine with their parents, they don't have the same lives as I do. No pity party intended for myself, but it's so frustrating sometimes when I feel like no one can relate. I'm surrounded by people, but I feel alone? I sound selfish. Maybe I am.

Guess this is just a sign. I'm never coming home for the summer again. If it weren't for friends I wanted to see, I wouldn't be here at all.

When am I ever going to be good enough for you?

Just me. Me, without academics. Me, without a brain. Is that ever, ever going to be enough?